Man Tweets How-To Guide From His 'Ex Girlfriend' And No One Is Impressed
It's usually pretty shitty when a relationship ends, but how would you feel if your ex decided to take it upon themselves to write a 23-point list dedicated to your next partner - who you've yet to meet?
Some people would be creeped out and rightly so, if you ask me. There's no doubt others would feel like the list helped them out in some way - they might pass it on to future endeavours to let people know what they're in for beforehand.
Or they might, y'know, share it with the entire world on social media, which we wouldn't recommend. You're basically asking to be Twitterspherically crucified.
That's exactly what happened to Jacob Brown from California, US, and many people are claiming that it wasn't his girlfriend who wrote the 'list' but Jacob himself. Tragic if true.
my ex girlfriend wrote this for me and it's literally the best thing i ever gotten in my life pic.twitter.com/cfPR0mkwJy
- (@jacobamirabrown) May 17, 2019
The three-page 'guide' lists his preferences when it comes to drink, food and colour (I've arranged those in order of importance). I mean, I guess it could be helpful to future girlfriends...? Regardless of who wrote the damn thing.
According to this mystery ex-girlfriend, Jacob's favourite liquor is 1800, his favourite beer is Corona, when it comes to ice cream he likes to go for chocolate chip flavour, and his preferred colour is red.
Aren't these things essentially the sort of detail you want to learn over time, though, and on your own terms? Plus, if you're anything like me these will change on a
daily weekly basis.
She, or of course Jacob himself, continued the list: "His shoe size varies (crazy righttt) but he's originally a 12 in regular shoes but in basketball shoes he's a 13 so don't get it twisted.
"He likes to have his back rubbed/massaged so be prepared your hands may cramp but he loves it so you gotta keep going."
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Gotta keep going? Really?
The list goes on: "You will constantly hear negative things about him from people, but just ignore it, trust me it ain't worth the fight."
Sounds ominous, this does - the sort of thing someone would say about themselves to reassure a potential suitor because of how many rumours are flying around.
Apparently he's always 'losing his shit' as well, which in this instance means misplacing items such as his ID, rather than 'getting all narked'.
Then comes the best bit: "His room is always a mess so it's either you get used to it or you help him clean there's no in between." So, he's a teenage boy then. Great.
By the end of this list, the ex-partner has concluded: "Most importantly be all about him, the last things he wants to hear is that you got with one of his boys or anybody in general while y'all are together.
"You're gonna have to learn how to overcome big obstacles that come your way, and that's where i fucked up, i can't do that for him, but he's so perfect and i hope you are 'the one' he's always been talking about."
Sounds like too much hard work, thanks - plenty on Twitter agreed, with one person replying: "My daughter, who is 7, seems like she's more independent and more adept at expressing her needs."
Another added: "He probably wrote it himself and thinks it'll go over more easily if it's from his 'ex'."
A third wrote: "Your ex girlfriend or your ex babysitter?" And someone else commented: "He wants a mommy figure who'd cater to all his whims, keep track of stuff for him, be willing to be ignored regularly, and clean after him."
Oh dear, oh dear.
Featured Image Credit: PA