Advert

The Chicken Connoisseur Has Fucking Ruined It For Everyone

Published 
| Last updated 

The Chicken Connoisseur Has Fucking Ruined It For Everyone

When baby-faced 23-year-old Elijah Quashie became on overnight Internet sensation thanks to his YouTube channel 'The Pengest Munch', he was probably unaware that, much like Miles Dyson in Terminator 2, he was actually bringing around the destruction of the very thing he was trying to propel into the limelight; the very essence of his being.

The sole purpose of his quest to find the best chicken shops in London was about to bring around a hipster fad which would mean that the pengest places rake up their prices and a load of people with beards, craft ale and pretentious ideas of grandeur flock to the shops.

This is not what you did this for. Credit: The Chicken Connoisseur

Advert

This news is brought to us, ironically, by Time Out London, a now global lifestyle brand perhaps best known for its food reviews.

For instance, and as cited by Time Out, he gave a top notch review of Eden Cottage in Finsbury Park just in November, stating: "I can't say I've had a better wing... and bossman was on point with the strip burger. Head down to Finsbury Park Eden's across the road from the Arsenal shop." - this cost him £1.99 at the time, now disgustingly priced at £2.49.

Then there's this tweet, which is fair banter.

Advert

I would ask my hipster mate Stefan about it all, but I know he's probably tried all of Quashie's top suggestions and I'm not in the mood for him right now. And he also looks like he might genuinely be the guy on the far left of that tweet if he's had a massively heavy night. I daren't ask him, to be honest.

Kanga Saran, who works at the Eden shop, told The Evening Standard: "We have lots of new faces now and big queues.

Advert

"We hadn't changed the prices in five years so we re-did the menu and everything has gone up a little bit. I think we are more popular now because we got that good review, people from outside the area are coming to our shop."

As a side note, Elijah is from Tottenham, which is also where the best football club on the planet play their home games.

OTHER THINGS HIPSTERS HAVE RUINED

In essence, beards and beer.

Advert

My sentiments on craft beer echo that of colleague James Dawson, whose piece titled: It's Time To Reclaim Beer From Wankers And Admit Artisan Ale's Shit couldn't be more accurate. In his assertion, James states:

"Meet the beer hipsters, the so-called connoisseurs. The drinkers of artisan brews that are supposedly crafted with the kind of love that standard bevvies like Carlsberh and Tetley's aren't.

"That's the appeal of these 'special' and 'local' brews to lots of people. But personally I don't buy the marketing one iota - and I think it's time we reclaimed lagers and bitters as the proper pub choice they should be.

"I'm not saying I have anything against you if these soap-tasting pints of piss are your tipple of choice, but what I would say is that there are lots of blokes who have only got into it since it became trendy - when deep down inside they'd rather be drinking a pint of Kronenberg or Bud."

Advert

He expands: "The main thing driving people to buy micro-brewed ale is snobbery. It's a way for smug, self-satisfied wankers to say 'I'm better than you'. It's a bullshit intellectualisation of pints, a way of them saying: 'I think about the beer I put in my body, why don't you?', it's the same people who act as though eating ready-meals and takeaways makes you thick.

"Ale wankers are a cancer to British drinking culture. Beer has always been the drink of the people, something drank by all and for a singular and unifying purpose: getting pissed...

"In the past, beer was just a way to relax while you talked about the football, politics or anything else going on in your life. These absolute dullards want to act as though craft beer makers are artists that deserve to be appreciated like Picasso or Van Gogh."

Of course, if you don't agree with him, you can always let him know on Twitter.

Beards

The Sabotage Times knows where it's at when it wrote an open letter to hipsters to shave the shit off their face. The article asks: "With every hipster hiding their face under some contrived lie of a beard, how can you tell between the real men and the poseurs these days..."

And it's a very good question!

The Guardian, in a piece titled 'six things hipsters have ruined', had this to say on beards: "Facial fur used to be for rugged outdoorsmen, tortured poets and geography teachers. Now they're for any old mug. They used to be low-maintenance, a lazy alternative to shaving. Now they're trimmed, primped, waxed and preened like pedigree poodles. Eight out of 10 cool cats prefer whiskers."

According to the Guardian, they've also ruined festivals, exercise, James Bond, Pret A Manger and breakfast. To be honest, whenever I see the word 'artisan' I replace it in my head with 'we will charge you £3 more than you should pay for this and give it you in some rusty old pot', and I believe that is an extension of the hipster movement.

Featured Image Credit: The Chicken Connoisseur

Topics: chicken], London

Patrick Hulbert
More like this
Advert
Advert
Advert

Chosen for YouChosen for You

News

Watford V Chelsea Match Suspended Due To Medical Emergency In Stand

16 hours ago

Most Read StoriesMost Read

News

Pub Named After Mythical Black Dog Renamed To Be 'Anti-Racist'

an hour ago