When it comes to the presidential election I often think of the tagline from the film Alien Vs Predator film: 'whoever wins...we lose'. Neither of the candidates fill me with confidence and knowing that on 8th November one of them will be making their way to the White House is pretty scary.
So, it's understandable if you're also worried because, let's face it, you'd be bloody mad not to be. Even if you don't live there, this is going to affect us massively - whoever wins will become the most powerful person in the world. Pretty big deal.
Advert
But I have good news if you are worried. I think this upcoming election will be announced null and void because it's so ridiculously stupid. You're sitting there, shaking your head, thinking about the debates, the money spent on campaigns and whatnot but you're missing the point. This whole thing has been a farce.
Here are my reasons for why this whole thing has been so ridiculous that we can ask for re-do:
Tom DeLonge wants to talk to Hillary Clinton's team about aliens
Clinton's leaked emails included one from Tom DeLonge from Blink 182 asking to meet campaign chairman John Podesta to discuss aliens. Honestly, I know they revealed all kinds of confidential stuff, but this is gold. Tom reckons he's got secret dirt on what happened at Roswell and wants to share this with Podesta. This all happened, I promise you.
The fact a man off The Apprentice is even running
Can you image if we had Lord Sugar running for PM? With his shit banter and public spats with Piers Morgan on Twitter? It just wouldn't happen over in the UK, would it? Even though Sir Alan has a long-standing affiliation with Labour, but it doesn't mean he should be running the joint. Our prime ministers might put their dicks in pigs' mouths (or not...) but they don't appear weekly on light-entertainment shows. There's a line, guys.
Having said that, if Lord Sugs does ever fancy a pop at the UK's top job he has my vote.
Advert
A bird called Uncle Sam went for Trump
Back when he was only one of the Republicans' presidential candidates, old Donny thought a photo-op with an American bald eagle, symbol of freedom, 'Merica yadda, yadda, yadda would be a good idea. It wasn't.
Advert
For some reason, Uncle Sam, that's the bird's name, really didn't like Trump.
The soundbites
The immortal words all women long to hear: 'Grab her by the p***y'. I mean, I don't think I need to say much more than that, do I? I do? OK, then. Well, he's vile, isn't he?
Advert
He's got daughters and, presumably, a mother, unless he was created in a lab, which seems reasonable at this point. Would he want people saying this to them? He probably would, actually, given that he's spoken about how he would date his daughter if they weren't related, which is too gross for me to even joke about.
In classic Trump style, when he was asked about these comments at a debate, he passed them off as 'locker room talk' (makes a change from talking about protein and athletes' foot, I suppose), and then started going on about ISIS.
He also managed to pop in this mic drop, which, credit where it's due, is brilliant.
Advert
Can you imagine any other political figure doing this? Credit: CNN
All these naked statues of Trump
The fact that someone actually went through the effort of making these things tells you everything you need to know about this election. There's not one, not two, but FIVE of these hideous things, complete with tiny penis and a plaque saying: 'The Emperor Has No Balls'.
Did we have naked statues of Barack Obama or Mitt Romney? No, we did not, because that was a real election and this is a joke.
Still feeling confident that America will make the right choice next week?
Featured image credit: PA
Featured Image Credit:Topics: Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, USA