Featured image credit: Facebook
You ever been so pissed off with a purchase that you've taken the time to write a letter of complaint on the company's Facebook wall?
I ask because this bloke that lives in Nottingham did just that after he bought some bog roll that failed to meet his standards.
Ben Martin bought the toilet paper from ASDA last week and took to social media, saying he 'had some thoughts to share' with the company.
He wrote: "Dear Asda,
"Last week I purchased some of your "smart price" toilet tissue and I have some thoughts to share with you.
"For my first use I folded it twice like I normally would, but it was so weak it broke, at which point I realised I had fingered myself. That's right. No romance, no weekend in Venice, just one swift digit up the wrong 'un in a cold bathroom in Nottingham.
"So what exactly is "smart" about "smart price"? My eyes certainly smarted a bit as I jabbed at my rectum. I spent the next few minutes in the saddest bathroom scene since Oscar Pistorius, debating whether to sacrifice a bath towel, a sock or the fleece of the first staff member I find at my local store.
"A few more minutes passed, the anger subsided and I made a second attempt. You see this stuff might be half the price of branded stuff, but I found I needed to bandage it tightly 7-8 times around my hand to prevent me from molesting myself a second time, leaving me looking like an Egyptian mummy that's just performed a prostate exam.
"The feeling of shame was soon replaced with regret, as I realised I had better things within arms reach to do the job. Even the pumice stone on the edge of my bath looked like it could do a better job than the stuff you supply.
"I noticed in the news today your sales have dropped 7.5% in 3 months. Looks like it's not just the competition you can't wipe out!
"Yours truly,
"Ben Martin."
That's pretty brutal to be honest. And hilarious.
The post has amassed 5,026 shares at the time of me writing this, so hopefully ASDA will be doing everything in their power to sort the situation out.
In the meantime, the best thing everyone else can do is to make sure they buy a better brand.
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Words by James Dawson