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A newly-wed claims that his virgin bride attacked him because his penis was too big.
Groom Mnombo Madyib - who has the nickname Anaconda - was looking forward to having sex for the first time with his new wife after the pair decided to abstain before the big day.
The unnamed bride was in for a shock, though, as he is Anaconda and name and Anaconda by nature. When he whipped it out, she decided it wasn't for her.
You'd think at some point she would have asked how he got that nickname, but obviously not.
He told the Daily Star: "All was well and she enjoyed the foreplay. But all hell broke loose the moment I took off my underwear.
"My wife said she wanted a four to five inch inside her, not an anaconda. When I tried to penetrate her, she bit my ear before squeezing my balls. Before I knew it, she knocked me over with a bottle of wine before attempting to suffocate me with a red and white teddy bear I'd bought her as a gift."
As if being whacked around the head wasn't bad enough, she also called it a 'hairy, scary cucumber'. This is sounds like a massive joke they've concocted, to be honest.
Mnombo said he loves his wife and doesn't want to press charges against her.
"We took different buses back home," he added, which is definitely the saddest ending to any honeymoon ever.
The couple, who live in South Africa, are said to be going to marriage counselling to try and save their relationship.
He's also managed to pull off the biggest humblebrag of all time.
Featured image credit: laliablog
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