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Here's All The Ways People Learnt Santa Wasn't Real

Here's All The Ways People Learnt Santa Wasn't Real

He's not real.

James Dawson

James Dawson

Those 'year in review' things that people have been putting out on Facebook sure have been interesting, haven't they? Who knew people could have some many exciting trips to the pub pulling exactly the same pose, or experienced so many of those fantastic 'life events'.

I was thinking about this year the other day actually, more specifically, it being 2016. I was contemplating what my favourite viral video of the year was. There have been a few crackers this year I suppose: David Schwimmer's rap-battle with James Corden, the video of a pit bull tiptoeing past a cat, and even a brother convincing his post-dental surgery sister that there had been a zombie apocalypse.

But no, in my view, none of those videos are the greatest of this year. The greatest is a recent effort from David Grisham a Christian preacher and full-time savage who lives in Texas.

In case you missed the video the first time round, let's just have a recap. Last week David posted video of himself on Facebook in which he went up to a queue of kids waiting to meet 'Santa' in a shopping centre and told them all that he didn't really exist.

You can watch it for yourself here...

Credit: Facebook / David Grisham

Even after the parents started shouting at him to stop, it took him being manhandled by one of the kid's dads to end his righteous crusade.

A lot of people think this year is an arsehole, and yeah they're right, but I'm an arsehole as well, and something about a guy taking it upon himself to ruin Christmas for a whole host of unsuspected, excited children is really amusing.

Besides, it's all bullshit, isn't it? What's with an entire population of adults conspiring to lie to the young and innocent? What does it achieve really? Wouldn't we all be better without ever believing the nonsense in the first place?

I couldn't answer that, but what I could do was ask you guys to tell me how you first discovered that the pissed guy rolling around on your living room floor on Christmas Eve with a bunch of presents had nothing to do with Santa.

Credit: PA Images

Alistair emailed in to say he had a double whammy of bullshit discovery when he was a kid. He said: "I was sat on my new quad and was really happy the morning of Christmas, but my sister was mad because she didn't get the thing she wanted.

"Pissed off, she shouted: 'Santa isn't even real, it's all mom and dad, so get over it'. I spent an hour locked in the bathroom, then finally went to the kitchen and asked my mom, 'so if Santa isn't real, what about the tooth fairy', and then ended up locking myself in the bathroom for another hour."

Alice, who from the sounds of the story was quite the little princess growing up, said: "I woke up early in the morning of Christmas Day to look out of my window to find my dad holding onto my pony as it was eating the carrots and with my dad munching away on the mince pies. Busted!"

Helen said it was her love of classic literature that gave the game up: "I was collecting the Mr Bean magazines which were a child's version of an encyclopaedia.

Credit: PA Images

"When I got to the letter 'S' there was a section entitled 'St. Nicholas', which explained the Santa Claus story and tradition, and that's why our parents buy us presents.

"I must've re-read the piece over 100 times in an absolute state of shock! Fuck you Mr Bean for ruining my childhood!"

Ollie offered a tale of caution for any parents doing their shopping online. He said: "I found out that Santa wasn't real when my mum left the whole Amazon receipt in my stocking."

Finally, Joe had a revelation a few of us will relate to: "I was seven and I met 'Santa' at a Morrison's. That was cool, but then we drove to a Tesco and there was a Santa there too. From then the game was up and I knew he wasn't real."

Credit: PA Images

Thanks to everyone who emailed in to let us know their stories. I guess we all have to learn the truth about the big man eventually.

All these stories are quite tragic, but not as much as my colleague Joshua Teal who, on hearing I was writing this article, proudly pronounced: "I discovered there was no Santa Claus when I was 21. I was shocked when I heard, but not surprised. I have been asking to know a woman's touch for years and all I've gotten is metaphorical coal."

Aww, don't worry mate, there's always this year!

Credit: PA Images

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Topics: Christmas