Let's be honest, there's been enough film and TV programmes showing us what goes off when zombies take over the planet that you'd think people would know what to do when the creatures ravage and savage.
But lo and behold, a 'zombie expert' has tips and tricks for us, reports The Mail. What the hell makes him a zombie 'expert'? Does it mean that as well as watching The Walking Dead and Zombieland on loop, he's also analysed the peculiarities of 28 Weeks Later? (Weeks, not days).
Credit: AMC Studios.
Advert
To be honest, we had a massive TheLADbible piss up the other day and right now I'm feeling a bit like a zombie myself.
Right, so Prof Lewis Dartnell at the University of Kent has been mugging them off and getting a wage. He's a UK Space Agency research fellow and, of course, this makes him THE expert who knows what to do in this situation.
He says you should pack a survival bag, and this should contain 'A FIRE STARTING KIT, WATER BOTTLE, SMALL KNIFE, ROPE AND FOOD'.
Robert Carlyle on the sesh. Credit: 20th Century Fox
Advert
He gets paid a wage for that insight. That's almost as criminal as a writer from TheLADbible getting dollar for banter. To be fair, the zombie thing isn't his only allusion, and it's probably only mentioned so melts like me write about it. Most of his arguments resonate around a standard apocalypse. Just your normal, typical one, void of flesh eating monsters.
Here's my thinking on each item:
Food and water - did we actually need an 'expert' to tell us that?
Fire starting kit - it gets cold sometimes.
A small knife - to stab puppies with when we need to eat.
Rope - for me to use after the last comment I made.
I'd also take a 2006 edition of Nuts magazine and a picture of my dead cat. #RIPTrotsky.
I Am Legend is one of the most terrible movie experiences of my life, but not as bad as Spiderman 3. Credit: Warner Bros.
Advert
Prof Dartnell also tells us where to head in case of a zombie infestation in his book, aptly named: 'The Knowledge: How To Rebuild Our World From Scratch'. He says that we should head for the beach (I'm from Nottingham, so that's a trek). Other options are the supermarket (eat all the food, which could apparently keep you alive for 55 years), and a golf course. Yeah, a golf course. Presumably so you can hack a few balls around and pretend that a zombie invasion is somehow a business opportunity which should help your shares if you make the right investments.
Apparently having a lathe would help too but we haven't packed it because you didn't tell us to, you useless wanker.
Prof Dartnell had this to say:
"Clearly we shouldn't be worrying 24/seven about a potential apocalypse but it's interesting to take a snap shot of where we are now and how we'd fare - individually and as a society." So perhaps we should just be worrying 23 hours a day, six days a week. 138 hours a week. The remaining 30 hours could be used to worry about where the hell to catch a Mew.
The moment you want the zombie to catch Jesse Eisenberg's character and rip his face off. His character, of course. Credit: Colombia Pictues
Advert
I'm now going to actually quote direct from the Mail because I think the author must be some kind of Bear Grylls genius:
"A worryingly low 20 percent said that they didn't know how to make chemical substances like fuel, while only 32 percent thought that they could get engines to work and just 32 percent believed they could make or repair metal tools."
'Worryingly low' - for starters, at least 99 percent of those 20 percent are talking out of their arseholes, as are around 98 percent of those that claim they can just get an engine to work like Bob my local mechanic. Why you lyin'?
These findings have emerged before World Zombie Day, which is actually today. There appears to be a day for everything.
Will I be packing my survival bag now? Nah, I think I'll just go the Winchester, wait for it all to blow over.
Credit: Pinterest
Advert
If you wish to purchase his book, click here.
And here's a few zombie GIFs for absolutely no reason whatsoever.
Main image credit: Universal Studios
Featured Image Credit:Topics: Zombies