The Sonic The Hedgehog Movie Trailer Is Out, And This Is A Breakdown
Hi. My name's Mike, and I'm 39 years old. I've loved SEGA since I knew what video games were, really, give or take a Spectrum or two. I played a friend's Master System - with Hang-On built in - to death, until I got my own (with Alex Kidd). I progressed from that 8-bit console to a Mega Drive, and decorated it with all the right bells and whistles - which is to say, I top and tailed it with a 32X and a Mega-CD (I'm so sorry, Mike's Old Mega Drive). Sonic the Hedgehog, when it happened in 1991, was *everything*. A game to make my Nintendo-playing pals look the way of my SEGA affections. A game that matched speed to skill, that took the Mario template and kicked it into overdrive. Sonic was, basically, a big deal - and it only got bigger with two awesome 16-bit sequels, before, you know, not being so amazing for a while.
Now, the first trailer for the Sonic the Hedgehog movie is out in the wild. You can watch it here, or below if your this-page-accessing device of choice can display it correctly. Take a look. Swallow down that reaction. Force it down, for now. And then join me below for some of mine, which can only really be described one way: a breakdown.
A breakdown. But I'm not sure, yet, if I'm having one in the wake of this; or if dissecting the trailer, piece by piece, is some kind of coping mechanism to prevent such a situation. Either way, here are words. Words based on what we've all just seen, right there. Something that can only be summarised as: haunting.
We open in Green Hills. I get it! Like the first level of the first Sonic game! Classic, classic move right there, guys. I'm in. I'm into it. And then: look! An actual Blue Blur. That's the nickname! That's what we all call Sonic when we've used the name Sonic too many times in an article about Sonic (see also: SEGA's famous mascot; the 16-bit icon; the spiky spinballer; and so on). We're in. This is gonna be great. So good. My body is ready, all of that.
Rings! Lads! Rings! Just like the game! Because Sonic collects rings to gain extra lives and access bonus levels, stuff like that, which I can't really see working out in this movie, but hell, if there's a reference to be wedged into this thing, let's get it right in there. (And yep, later, we do see some more, so fair play.) Fourteen seconds, that's all we've seen. Fourteen seconds, and I don't yet want to throw up my childhood, into a bathtub, and then set fire to it. Not yet!
Oh, that's not too bad, actually. Looking at what'd leaked before now, I was expecting worse. Far worse. I mean, the Sonic we've previously seen: what even was that? Some kind of mangled football mascot, dragged through umpteen gorse bushes and dipped in paint.
And then: Coolio (and L.V.)'s 'Gangsta's Paradise', because what else says This Is The 1990s like a global rap chart-topper originally from a movie that isn't Sonic the Hedgehog? That song came out in 1995 - by then, the golden years of the Mega Drive era were over for Sonic, and we were left with only the awful 3D Blast to look forward to before the Saturn happened and Sonic games pretty much stopped for a generation.
And also: some American government chit-chat about a power outage in the Pacific Northwest, blah blah, they decide to bring in Dr Robotnik (played by Jim Carrey, who speaks fast and ugly and already feels like he's having a great time here, fully aware that the movie's garbage without him), blah blah, "the Doctor thinks you're basic," blah blah, and some gizmos and do-dahs do their Evil Villain's Apparatus thing.
I'm going to need somebody to come here, now, and hold me. Anyone. The teeth. The teeth. I cannot, and never shall, unsee them. At 39, I am too young for this burden.
Okay, then Sonic and The Guy Who Played Cyclops become pals and Jim Carrey does some I'm The Evil Guy stuff and finally puts his red suit on (no seriously, it's just down there and is kind of awesome) and launches a load of missiles at Sonic like he's playing the end-of-level-boss role again and HANG ON that's Sonic doing his you-put-the-pad-down idle animation. I mean, sort of. The foot tapping definitely counts. Reference!
Everything's gonna be fine, everyone. Panic over! They got the idle animation in. There's a Genesis pun in the trailer. Nothing can go wrong here. And look: that's Robotnik, alright. (In the Mushroom Kingdom, wut? Jokes.) Anyway, we're fine! We're...
We're going to need that bathtub.
Featured Image Credit: Paramount Pictures/SEGA