Police Searching For The 'Phantom Poo-er Of Tolworth' Release CCTV Images

Police are currently searching for a man that has been nicknamed the 'Phantom Poo-er of Tolworth' after he defecated several times on the streets of the South London area.

The secretive shitter is thought to have struck at least three times, and police have released CCTV footage that shows the man in the act of one of his - shall we say - infringements.

Still images from the surveillance camera footage have been shared by Tolworth Police, but they have also taken the bizarre decision to cover the man's face with a gigantic poo - or should that be 'soft serve ice cream' - emoji.

Now, I'm not a super sleuth, or even a police officer at all, but if I was urgently trying to bring to justice a faecal fugitive such as this one, I'd make damn sure that any potential witnesses could see his face.

The 'Phantom Pooer of Tolworth'. Credit: Tolworth and Hook Rise Police
The 'Phantom Pooer of Tolworth'. Credit: Tolworth and Hook Rise Police

So, what can we gather from the information given to us? Well, the image was shared on Friday afternoon and shows a man wearing what appears to be a denim shirt and blue jeans (double denim? A fashion criminal too, it would seem - this man has no shame) walking along a Tolworth road.

The man can also be seen adjusting the belt of his jeans, perhaps preparing or recovering from his activities.

Tolworth Police captioned their photo: "The Phantom Poo-er of Tolworth has struck again. We understand getting caught short but this is the turd time.

"This ne'er poo well will soon be told off for being a pain in the bum."

Pun-tastic work, guys. Credit: Facebook/Tolworth and Hook Rise Police
Pun-tastic work, guys. Credit: Facebook/Tolworth and Hook Rise Police

Very good, guys. Well done.

We can only imagine that they've shared the photograph without exposing the face of the toilet-eschewing criminal crap artist in the hope that he is embarrassed into coming forward. That being said, it doesn't seem as if this is a genuine mistake, does it?

Sure, getting caught short once is not the end of the world. So you had to shit outside because you were desperate? It's not ideal, but most people would understand, right?

Even twice - if you're feeling ill - would probably illicit some sympathy from many folks. But three times or more? That suggests that there is more to this than a simple matter of need.

Anyway, you better believe that the coppers have seen the face of this excreting extrovert. While their pun-laden post was a little bit cringeworthy, they did continue their statement by saying: "Enquiries are ongoing as we DO have something to go on! Wee see you on CCTV, urine trouble!

"We'll s-pee-k to him soon as long as he doesn't go on the runs as this post will surely flush him out."

Well, get on with it then. Shit or get off the pot, if you will.

Featured Image Credit: Tolworth and Hook Rise Police

Tom Wood

Tom Wood is a freelance journalist and LADbible contributor. He graduated from University of London with a BA in Philosophy before studying for a Masters in Journalism at the University of Salford. He has previously written for the M.E.N Group as well as working for several top professional sports clubs. Contact him on [email protected]

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