Psychologist shares ‘grey rocking’ technique that means you can deal with narcissists in relationships
Getting into some kind of toxic relationship isn’t exactly what most of us are striving for.
But while the red flags might’ve been waving and the signs of problems could’ve been clear, plenty of us can still end up in sticky situations with our love life.
When it comes to those who are in relationships with narcissists, there's plenty advice out there on what to look for, like a 'narcissist checklist'.
And now, a psychologist has shared a ‘grey rocking’ technique that means you can deal with it, but did warn that you’ll need to be ‘tough as nails’ to get through it.
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New York Times Bestseller Dr Ramani Durvasula shared a video to YouTube in 2020 guiding through the experience that could be difficult for many.
Narcissitic personality disorder is a mental health condition typically defined as a person having an ‘unreasonably high sense of their own importance’, according to Mayo Clinic.
Narcissists often need and seek a lot of attention and while some people think you should call them out on it, Durvasula goes the opposite way.
Her suggested ‘grey rocking’ sees you basically, become, well, a rock. You give minimal communication, don’t engage in real conversation and therefore, take away their power.
She explained: “You become completely inert, forgettable, unengaged... like a grey rock.”
While you can still give them ‘bits and pieces’ of attention to get them off your back, having as little contact as possible is your best bet, according to the psychologist.
“When you're in the presence of a narcissist you can sit like a statue - calm, serene and not going to engage with the BS, basically,” she added.
But again, she does warn it will be a, ahem, rocky, ride. When the narcissist starts picking up on the change, it’s likely they’ll be irritated.
When they lose the ‘source of narcissistic supply’, they’ll quickly notice and may hurl out things like ‘What are you in therapy now?’ or ‘are you too good to talk to me?’ and turn it into ‘an argumentative, combative, demeaning kind of a space’.
And while you might lose steam in following through, Dr Durvasula has some tips.
“The trick when you're doing grey rock is to endure this initial period of agitation,’ she said. "Because they don't like it.
“They may be combative, rude, invalidating, they may call you names, they may really try to draw you out.
“This is the toughest phase of grey rock. You have to be as tough as nails to stand there and withstand it.”
And once the narcissist gets fed up, the ‘discard phase’ comes in which can be pretty uncomfortable.
But no matter how uncomfortable you might be, Ramani said to remember ‘you want this to happen’.
Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships
Jess Battison