Swinger couple share the one ‘big problem’ with unique lifestyle
Monogamy isn't for everybody, and one swinging couple says that polyamory was like a 'lightbulb' moment for them.
Jem, 45, and Daz, 42, regularly share their knowledge and experiences with being a part of the swinging community online, and they don't sugarcoat their lifestyle.
The couple - who have been together for 11 years - have even appeared on the TV show Open House, which featured couples who wanted to learn more about opening up their relationship or exploring things further.
Jem and Daz have been polyamorous for around six years now, and said at first they were uncertain about whether it was the right thing for them to do when Jem bought Daz tickets for a swingers weekend one Christmas.
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Daz confessed to Metro that he thought to himself: "We’ve got a great relationship. Do we want to risk that now?”
It all worked out for the pair, and they now regularly 'play' with others and attend monthly events, with Jem going as far as to say that non-monogamy has 'saved' their relationship.
Explaning more on how it works, the couple said they stick to ‘swaps’ only when they’re both present rather than dating or sleeping with others separately.
Jem warned that it's not for everybody, and says some couples try to use polyamory as a sticking plaster for a failing relationship which isn't 'solid enough' to cope.
Daz agrees: "Non-monogamy is never going to fix a failing relationship. Our partnership now is in a much better place than it would have been if we’d never explored it. Our relationship wasn’t broken though – it just wasn’t very exciting, and we thrive off excitement."
They said there can be one 'big problem' in the polyamorous scenario, and that's what happens if communication fails or both sides of the couple aren't as invested in it.
"Both people have to get something out of a non-monogamous arrangement. Otherwise, it’s one person filling their boots, and one person being made more sad because of it, and you’re going to end up with an imbalance," warns Daz.
"That’s when resentment builds, and then you’ve got a big problem," says Jem.
Chartered counselling psychologist, Dr Candice O’Neil, agrees that opening up a relationship can 'cause deep rupture and conflict' if the work isn't put in to establish boundaries.
"Open relationships can work with clear boundaries for all parties involved, including things like dignity, respect and safety, but they can be extremely risky."
Boundaries are key, says Daz: "If you overstep a hard boundary, that is cheating, for us, we’ve never had issues with this, because we’ve always been so clear with one another about what our boundaries are, what would be considered breaking them."
He added: "There’s absolutely times when jealousy creeps in, and that’s why it’s so important to kind of debrief after any kind of experiences, to give yourself space to be able to kind of come away from a situation and chat."
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Lifestyle
Jen Thomas