What is a 'tolyamourous' relationship that's dividing experts with more and more people living in them
A horrifying new relationship term is here to worry the pants off of you.
While many of us understand 'polyamory' - the act of enjoying consensual relationships with multiple people - you've probably not heard of 'tolyamory'.
What is tolyamory?
The term was coined by Dan Savage, a US relationship columnist, podcaster and world-renowned author.
He spoke about the term on his podcast Savage Lovecast, a weekly, call-in, sex advice programme.
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Taking to his channel, the expert says that the term is a combination of 'polyamory' and 'tolerate'.
It's an unconventional dynamic where one or both members of a relationship tolerate each other's extramarital affairs. But the key difference being that this is something that isn't always formally discussed.
Savage said it's when 'someone is willing to turn a blind eye to a lap dance or a brief affair after years of marriage'.
He added: “They’re able to focus on all the ways their spouse demonstrates their commitment and shows their love.
“And all of those other ways compensate or make the cheating that might be happening tolerable.
“These people aren’t fools or dupes. They’re not to be pitied - they know what they signed up for and long ago made peace with what they got.
“They’re willing to put up with it - a certain amount of it - reconciled to it, willing to tolerate it. They are, in a word, tolyamorous.”
'By our late thirties, our sex life was non-existent'
Being tolyamorous worked for Carrie, a 45-year-old marketing manager who met her husband after university.
As reported in The Times, she said: "By our late thirties our sex life was non-existent and we were more like friends.
"But our children were under ten and we had a massive mortgage, so we couldn’t afford to split up. For a while I’d had a very flirty connection with a colleague, who was also married, but never acted on it. One night, lying in bed with my husband, he said that he wouldn’t feel that jealous if I had sex with someone else."
'My wife and her friends have a night out together once a month'
"I know that involves enjoying the attention of other men, flirting and acting as if she’s single," Jim, 48, added.
"I wouldn’t want to be there to witness it and she’d never admit it, but going out with the girls puts a spring in her step. She’s in a better mood, which has a knock-on effect on the whole family."
Tolyamory isn't for everyone, though
Polyamory educator Leanne Yau told HuffPost that tolyamory is 'probably, unfortunately, the most common form of non-monogamy'.
“It conveys many people’s reality and brings attention to the prevalence of these dynamics,” added relationship researcher Marie Thouin.
“One or both of them are tolerating, or putting up with, their partner’s non-monogamous behaviour, but not openly endorsing it.”
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Dating trends
Anish Vij