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It's hard enough remembering all the shit you've got to do before a holiday, tidy the house (you know because no one will be there), make sure the alarms are set, don't get ripped off exchanging money.
And it's another thing keeping your wits about you in the airport departure lounge - there's a pocket for your passport, another for your boarding pass and a third for your money.
Then you have to get your boarding pass out to buy a magazine - just to make sure you're definitely going away. It's like you've got your travelling clothes on and a big daft smile for nothing.
Now, to make things even harder, we've got to start looking out for one of not one or two, but ten scams. Who even comes up with ten scams? The sneaky little monsters.
People near Palma de Mallorca Airport apparently because airport bosses have warned British holidaymakers to be vigilant when travelling to the Spanish island as gangs are targeting tourists. Do they think we're daft or something?
Maybe they just know we've sunk a load of duty free vodka for the last few hours at high altitude. Who knows.
But because no one asks for their wallet or purse to be robbed at the beginning (or end) of their holiday - we're sharing the scams with you because we're the good people in the world.
First things first, the airport security scam. Sounds straightforward. When you pop your belongings (bag, belt, shoes - standard) into them humongous trays they slide off to be scanned.
You might find yourself waiting to go through the body scanner but the person in front is taking forever - they have money in their pockets, rings still on their inconsiderate fingers and their watch is still fastened tight. They clearly didn't listen to the memo and they've definitely not been on a plane before.
Well, according to the Mirror, it's not all as innocent as it may first seem. That person, that devil, could be a 'security staller' keeping you back deliberately so their pal can grab your shit. Fabulous.
The next one is the 'baggage bumper' - the person who 'accidentally' knocks into you as you're waiting in anticipation to see what disasterous condition your suitcase is going to emerge in.
Next thing you know, BAM - no wallet.
Just to continue this panicked state we're getting you into - there's the mobile phone scam. If you're offered a rental mobile phone (which we didn't know existed) chances are you won't be told about the extortionate fees.
Doesn't everyone just put up and shut up with what their network provider gives you? Or if you're really organised let them know you're going on holiday before you actually go. Face it, you've told everyone else.
Next up is the 'false greeter'. If you've got a taxi collecting you there could be more than one person holding a sign with you name on it.
Beware if you have the surname 'Smith', 'Jones' or 'Brown' - you've fucked it.
Make a point of getting the diver's number for reassurance. Check the company ID if necessary. Good luck, if you're not fluent in Spanish. I can't even get to 'the bar'.
Basically this false greeting bell end could charge you a much higher rate. Or they could be your actual taxi transfer, in which case they're probably not a bell end.
One you may not have heard of is the 'bluetooth sting'. If your handset is on 'discoverable' mode an airport hacker can easily 'pair' with your device to steal information, or even install a virus.
For some, it won't be the only virus you'll be getting on your jollies either.
Then there are some 'scams' that just seem like common sense. Don't get distracted by someone leading you away from your suitcase because their mate might reach inside. This is just mum advice 101.
Then there's the 'free wifi' - don't believe anything. Apparently some people connect to an un-secure hotspot which can give thieves access to your passwords and accounts. Should be a quick steal for anyone who, like me, has the same password for literally everything.
Another warning is targeted at people trying to help. Don't let them because they may assist you with your luggage and then refuse to give it back until you pay them. To stop this, advice has come through to pay an official airport porter - if you want to be that princess.
Not forgetting the trusty old 'broken taxi metre' when the driver asks for much more money than the standard tariff. Give us your next joke, mate.
Last but not least, the 'scenic route'. Everyone's been victim to this. Admit it - you've no idea where you're fucking going.
Have a nice holiday anyway. We hope this put your mind at ease (honest).
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