Credit: HBO
More spoilers than you can shake a stick at. Also, I don't care if you don't watch GoT, so feel free to leave your comments. I give about as much of a shit as The Hound does right now. You're the ones that have never lived.
Also, a warning. These are all my opinions on what will happen and it could be utter horse shit.
HBO has been a bastard to us all this week by only showing the trials and tribulations of bastard Jon Snow as he prepares to face up against fellow bastard Ramsay Bolton in Monday's (Sunday's if you're from the USA), Game of Thrones in its trailer.
With so many bastards floating around, it's apt that the title of the episode is the 'Battle of the Bastards'. Here is the trailer in all its glory.
Credit: HBO
Let's quickly have a recap of episode eight. The Hound went psycho, looking for all the pricks that killed his mate Ian McShane (Brother Ray). The best bit was when he told one of them: "You're shit at dying, you know that!" Eventually, he got to the main perpetrators to find that the Brotherhood, headed up by Beric Dondarrion, were hanging their rogue brothers-in-arms.
The Hound got to hang Lemoncloak, the main piece of shit he hated, and was then left contemplating joining the Brotherhood, (he was also pissed off he wasn't allowed to hack Lemoncloak to pieces, as well).
Cersei, meanwhile, is in deep shit. Her little tosspot son has outlawed trial by combat, so The Mountain will not be there to help. This is a shame as he ripped a man's head off in episode eight, too. (Literally ripped his head off). Here he is fighting The Viper.
Blackfish is dead and Edmure Tully is weak once again, just like in the good old Stark 'King of the North' days. Jaime now rules the roost at Riverrun and Brienne escaped to go back to Sansa Stark. Oh, and best of all, the Waif if fucking dead and Arya knows exactly who she is now, and it's not no-one. And Syrio Forel isn't back - that was HBO trolling us.
This all makes it feel like it's gearing for something incredible in episode nine. Here's what I think will happen.
WHAT IS PROBABLY GOING TO HAPPEN IN EPISODE NINE
Perhaps GoT will actually spend the whole hour focusing on the Snow v Bolton battle. That would be a very GoT thing to do. Personally, I hope not, but you never know.
Will Ramsay have the last laugh? Credit: HBO
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Let's be honest, it's almost inevitable that Jon Snow's army of wildlings, Mormonts and anyone else he can get his hands on will be losing the battle against Ramsay Bolton (I'm still thinking the Umbers may join Jon Snow and the Rickon thing was a trick that went wrong). It'll look like all is lost (note, I really hope Tormund survives), when sly bugger Petyr Baelish, aka Little Finger, will come to the rescue with his army from the Eyrie (technically Robin Arryn's, but he's a nobody). Let's be honest, Little Finger is a sneaky piece of shit, (he's my second favourite character after Ramsay) but, in this instance, it would be surprising even for GoT standards for anything else to happen. As much as I'd like to see Jon Snow die and Ramsay Bolton wear his head as a helmet, it's very, very unlikely. (Apparently my liking for Ramsay Bolton makes me a megalomaniac psychopath).
I'd guess that Ser Davos may come to a sticky end, too, as he has that noble element to him that means he's destined for death.
What would be an awesome twist is if Little Finger helps defeat the Bolton clan and then kills everyone else and takes the north. I just hate Jon Snow's whining and everything is Sansa's fault so she can die too for all I care.
HOW WILL RAMSAY BOLTON DIE?
It's going to happen. Let's be honest. Although it'd be the greatest twist ever for Jon Snow to die, it's not going to happen. And Ramsay's little Karstark bitch is going to get it, too. I personally hope Ramsay goes by being flayed alive, or as a sacrifice to the Lord of Light. But, most importantly, as he perishes, I want to see him smile sadistically. Iwan Rheon has played him so well, and I expect his final scenes to be incredible. I just hope I'm wrong, and he lives to fight another day.
WHAT ELSE MIGHT HAPPEN
Presuming that there will be more action than just the battle, I'd guess that shit will kick off at King's Landing. I disagree with my colleagues who think Cersei will die; she never dies, and she's not dying on Monday! I genuinely think, as The Mountain is there to protect Cersei specifically, he may well rip off Tommen's head, simultaneously bringing joy to every single one of us. He'll probably go for Jonathan Pryce's High Sparrow, too.
Will the High Sparrow make it to episode 10? Credit: YouTube
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Margaery is scheming, so is Qyburn, Cersei' puppet, and it'll be interesting to see how that all pans out. It'll be awesome if the Tyrell's are pressing to rule the kingdoms themselves.
I think it's likely that Drogon the dragon is going to eat every master attacking Meereen in the next episode, and whatever Varys is doing will come to fruition, too. There won't be many twists in this part of the plot, if it's even in the episode at all. Dany will be badass, probably a bit nuts and that story line will just tick over.
And then what the fuck happened to the Dornish? If feels like an age since Oberyn's daughters and that horrific woman Ellaria Sand (Zoe, from Luther), killed the king and his son, Trystane. Their absence has been noticeable. So much so that I'm assuming an army may well turn up at the doorstep of King's Landing at some stage. Now that would be bloody awesome, and increase the chance of Cersei having a pretty nasty death.
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Whatever happens, it's going to be an absolutely awesome episode! On my honour.
Chance of death:
Ser Davos 70% (far too nice to be alive)
Tormund 50% (still need to see the Brienne love story)
Sansa Stark 20% (wish it was higher)
Ramsay Bolton 95% (sob)
John Snow 2% (more the pity)
Rickon Stark (who cares)
Any extra that isn't needed 100%.
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Words by Patrick Hulbert
Topics: The Mountain, Game of Thrones