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No Guns And A Lot Of Mockney Accents: What Would Happen If GTA Hit The UK?

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No Guns And A Lot Of Mockney Accents: What Would Happen If GTA Hit The UK?

Apparently, Rockstar is considering making another Grand Theft Auto. I know, I know, we were all massively shocked, too. Interestingly, rumour has it the folks up in Edinburgh at Rockstar North briefly considered setting the next game in Japan.

Plans were apparently scrapped due to concerns over a non-US series - no one quite sells an orgy of aimless violence like the Americans.

It got us thinking though; just what would GTA VI look like if Rockstar set it in good ol' Blighty? It's 17 years since GTA London hit PlayStation, and back then the series was still in 2D. Just what could we expect if GTA swapped San Andreas for the soggy shores of the UK?

VOICEOVERS BY OUT OF WORK EASTENDERS ACTORS

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We have to be honest here, but thanks to GTA's international appeal, if Rockstar was ever to bring the series back to the UK, London would be the only legitimate target.

As a result, you could kiss goodbye to acclaimed Hollywood actors or celebrated rappers taking charge of any voice work - we'd be stuck with out of work ex-EastEnders actors and that-guy-who-had-a-couple-of-lines-in-The-Bill-back-in-2003 putting on their best Mockney accents.

In fact, if you want a glimpse as to just what a new GTA London would sound like, have a play of Sony's awkward and embarrassing PS2 flop The Getaway. It's like listening to a load of Ray Winstone impersonators audition for the next Bet365 ad.

NO GUNS

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Much to Donald Trump's discontent, guns are quite a rare beast over here. If you see someone walking around with a significant bulge in their pocket, chances are they really are just pleased to see you. As a result, working guns into the gameplay would be a genuine issue for any development team taking on GTA London - the whole thing would feel utterly un-British.

Perhaps instead of violence, missions in GTA London could revolve around attempting to queue jump without suffering the awkwardness of semi-heated conversations with partially-irate locals.

Or, when the waiter in a restaurant comes over midway through your meal to ask whether the over-boiled pasta for £15 is okay, the player will have to press a combination of X - O - L - R - UP, which will cause your character to say "fine, thanks."

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FREE HEALTHCARE!

Anyone who has wasted the day just bumming around in GTA will know the feeling of stepping out from a hospital after a fairly major accident and watching the dollars in your pocket tumble away.

Yes, attempting to skydive out of a plane you'd stolen from the airport might have seemed like a good idea at the time, but in GTA the only benefactor is the surgeon who has to piece together your crumpled bones for a handsome fee.

Not so in the UK! The NHS would ensure you could land flat on your face on cold, hard concrete from several miles up in the air as many times as you like - and you wouldn't pay a penny. Hooray for Aneurin Bevan!

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BAD DRIVERS

You may not know this but, Americans can't handle roundabouts. The very idea confuses them.

Even bends in the road bring out most of our US friends in a cold sweat. That's because all of their lovely, shiny cities have been built around neat grid formations on nicely prepared land, all without having to reroute around ancient castles, medieval churches or pesky Victorian underground systems.

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As a result, you can expect more car crashes than usual on the online roads of GTA VI if it makes the leap to the UK - not because of daring car chases or reckless driving, but because American players will have no idea how to approach any road junction that requires them to do anything other than turn the wheel at a right angle.

Is it terrible I'm currently crossing my fingers for GTA: Hemel Hempstead?

Words by Keith Andrew

Featured image: Rockstar

Topics: GTA, Grand Theft Auto

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