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Credit Getty Images/Peter MacDiarmid
When you have a really difficult decision to make and you need help to make the choice you think is right, the last thing you need is a bunch of people talking absolute bullshit at you.
It's a bit like when you want to ask a girl out who is way out of your league. You'll have one wise-crack mate who'll tell you to just do it and that it's bound to work. Then you spend the next decade regretting ever listening to him.
Anyway, I think getting help for your mates about key decisions in your life is very much like taking advice from politicians about the EU referendum. They've been elected to represent us; they're the vox populi, the voice of the people.
So when politicians come out with opposing, crazy bullshit, it really doesn't help very much at all when you have that all-important decision to make. And, over the last few months, I have heard an incredible amount of absolute shite.
Here's my pick of the absurd, sublime and ridiculous from campaigners Boris Johnson and David Cameron, the former a fan of Brexit, the latter championing the remain campaign.
Let the old Etonian 'I know you are but what am I' war begin...
ISIS WANTS US TO LEAVE THE EU
Leaving the EU would make the leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, very happy, according to PM David Cameron. While former spy chief Sir Tom Sawers has claimed that exiting the EU could mean that the country is more 'vulnerable', a link to the UK all of a sudden becoming more susceptible to terrorism from Islamic fundamentalism is far fetched at best. Just because Britain would leave the EU does not mean that intelligence services would just stop working altogether. Cameron claimed:
"It is worth asking the question: who would be happy if we left? Putin would be happy. I suspect al-Baghdadi would be happy." Have you asked Vladimir or Abu, Dave?
Cameron speculates that ISIL leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi would be happy if the UK leaves the EU. Credit: Getty Images: Anadolu Agency
Again, just to confuse us a bit more, another spy chief, Sir Richard Dearlove, claims the United Kingdom would not have an increase in security issues if it left the EU. Another mind fuck for anyone not sure how to vote.
THE EU IS LIKE NAZI GERMANY
This claim came from the mouth of Boris, heading up Brexit. He said that a 'superstate obsessed' European Union is similar to the days of Adolf Hitler. For real. It's never a good thing to link anything political with a man and regime that was responsible for the murder of millions of people. Alluding to a 'Golden Age' of peace, he made these observations:
"Napoleon, Hitler, various people tried this out, and it ends tragically. The EU is an attempt to do this by different methods.
"But fundamentally what is lacking is the eternal problem, which is that there is no underlying loyalty to the idea of Europe.
Boris and Dave are at war. Credit: Getty Images/Ben Pruchine
"There is no single authority that anybody respects or understands. That is causing this massive democratic void." Although his points regarding loyalty may have credence, his tenuous-at-best connections to Boney and Hitler are fear-mongering at its finest.
BREXIT COULD SPARK WWIII
Back to Dave. Apparently, leaving the EU couple spark WWIII. Now I don't know about you, but by now I'm shit scared. Leave the EU and ISIS has won and World War III will happen, stay in the EU and I'm condoning a regime that has parallels to some of the most disastrous and appalling dictatorships in history.
Cameron told people at the British Museum: "Can we be so sure peace and stability on our continent are assured beyond any shadow of doubt? Is that a risk worth taking? Ironically, it was Boris Johnson who claimed: "People should think very hard before they make these kinds of warnings." You're as bad as each other, mate.
Cameron was alluding to Britain's successes in key historical moments in Europe and how leaving would mean we no longer have such clout to help destroy waves of tyranny. He brought the focus onto more modern issues, claiming that Brexit would be "an abject act of national retreat." Bit of a jump there Dave.
THE EU STOPS OUR RIGHT TO HAVE SHIT LOADS OF POTASSIUM
What's wrong with these bad boys? Credit: Getty Images/Tim Graham
Surely not? Stop the press! This is the deal-breaker.
Boris was at it again, claiming that the EU stops us buying large bunches of bananas. I'm not going to bother looking for a sub-section on page something-or-other where he may have interpreted this was the case (funnily enough I had a quick gander and loads came up about how bendy an EU banana can or can't be), but suffice it to say it's utter horse shit. Former Conservative Deputy Prime Minister Michael Heseltine called him out: "It's a complete fabrication. I know. My wife and I eat bananas. I've bought bunches of bananas." I've bought bananas in the past too and, to be fair, I agree with Lord Heselitine.
WHAT WE REALLY WANT TO KNOW?
Will stuff become cheaper or more expensive if we leave? Will it mean hours of queuing at security control at the airport? Will Eurotrash be back on our screens for good?
In truth, none of those absurd claims will happen, no matter which way the vote swings, but you still have your chance to make your vote count. Voting is this Thursday and this could well shape our future, so get involved. You have a voice: use it.
Words Patrick Hulbert
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