A retired vicar has been fined and placed on the sex offenders register after he was caught bonking a Henry Hoover.
John Jeffs, from Middleton Cheney, Northamptonshire, was naked apart from a pair of ladies stockings when he was caught 'thrusting' into the vacuum cleaner's nozzle.
A shocked church-goer caught him in the act while attending a talk about Asperger's syndrome.
The witness walked past his office and said they saw Jeffs almost completely naked, except for a pair of ladies' stockings.
Northampton Magistrates' Court heard he was 'standing between two dark chairs, thrusting into a Henry Hoover'.
The 74-year-old noticed the member of the public, but this didn't deter him, and he carried on romping away, later telling police that it felt 'naughty'.
The court heard he was in his office at The Baptist Centre in Middleton Cheney in September 2020 when he was seen - seven months after he stopped working as a pastoral manager at Christian faith-based group, Parents Talking Asperger's.
He was found guilty of indecent exposure at the trial yesterday (Wednesday 13 July).
Jeffs, who had a clean record, was given an 18-month community order and ordered to sign the sex offenders' register.
He was also ordered to pay £845 in court costs and £200 in compensation to the victim who witnessed the sex act.
The defence solicitor said that Jeffs was still coming to terms with the loss of his wife at a young age and was in 'a lot of pain' because he was ignoring his health and his diabetes was not medicated.
The magistrate said: "Why you thought it best to bring this matter to trial, I have no idea."
This is, of course, not the first time a man has violated an inanimate object.
In 2019, a man in China lost a 7-inch bottle up his backside after using it to 'scratch an itch'.
The unnamed bloke rocked up at Dongguan Hospital of Traditional Chinese and Western Medicine, in South China's Guangdong Province, complaining of discomfort in his abdomen.
Doctor Lin Jun, the facility's head gastroenterologist, said the cause of the discomfort was soon found - around two inches inside the man's anus.
The hard object in question transpired to be a bottle of Florida Water cologne, measuring seven inches long and two inches wide at its thickest point. Florida Water, known in Mandarin as 'hualushui', is used as a perfume, a hand sanitiser or as an insect repellent (or as an a******e sratcher, it seems).