Loch Ness Monster believers have been stunned by the latest crackpot theory as to what the monster could actually be.
Brace yourself for this one, because it’s super weird.
No, it’s not a prehistoric cryptid or a living fossil, nor is it an alien that fell to earth and decided to make home in a Scottish lake.
Advert
Some people have suggested that it might be the penis of a horny whale.
Or at least, that’s what could have sparked the rumours into life in the first place.
Now, we all know that whales are massive, right?
So it holds to reason that they’d have a massive langer as well.
Advert
Marine biology expert Michael Sweet believes that the whole sea monster myth that Loch Ness is a part of could have started because a sailor saw a whale swimming close to the surface getting a bit of fresh air on his willy.
The researcher shared a picture purporting to show Nessie and wrote: “Back in [the] day, travellers/explorers would draw what they saw.
“This is where many sea monster stories come from ie. tentacled and alienesque appendages emerging from the water - giving belief to something more sinister lurking beneath....however, in many cases it was just whale d***s.
“Whales often mate in groups so while one male is busy with the female the other male just pops his d*** out of the water while swimming around waiting his turn.
“Everyone’s gotta have a bit of fun, right?"
Advert
“One female whale is typically paired with a primary escort (male) and a group of males will try to fight for their right to overthrow the escort and earn mating rights.
“A competition pod can have just a handful of whales or a larger group of 12-15.”
So, could a whale have got into Loch Ness and decided to show of his impressive parts?
Who knows, but it’s a more viable theory than some of the others, right?
Advert
The interest in Loch Ness peaked back in the 1930s after an infamous photo emerged, but sightings of a monster have been reported as early as the sixth century.
More than 1,000 reports have been made since records have been kept.
Of course, Mr Sweet’s whale willy theory isn’t accepted by everyone.
One Nessie hunter even went as far as to call the biologist an ‘ignorant fool’.
Author Tony Harmsworth said: "The man’s ignorance of the environment at Loch Ness is astounding. Any large air-breather would have been easily identified.
Advert
“There is no whale in Loch Ness.
"His ignorance of the mystery is equally astounding.
“He is comparing the whales’ penises with a photograph which was discredited thirty years ago as a hoax.
"So, my expert opinion is he is an ignorant fool!”
Another Nessie boffin – Adrian Shine from the Loch Ness Project – added: "There are no whales in Loch Ness."
Still, Mr Sweet has defended himself against such criticism, explaining: "I never said that Nessie was a whale - [I] indicated that many ‘monsters’ where highly likely to be whale penises and this will explain a number of sea farers sightings back in the day.
“Nessie was just used as an example."
If The Simpsons has taught us anything over the years, it’s that we should just drain the loch and find out what’s down there once and for all.
Deploy the Delochinator.
Tom Wood