Warning: This article contains discussion of health issues and assisted dying which some readers may find distressing.
A terminally ill woman has made the decision to end her own life as she admits she’s ‘had enough’.
Annaliese Holland grew up suffering from an unknown illness in the hospital as a child. And now 25 years old, the Aussie has been living in debilitating pain and has spent the past years being fed through IVs on total parenteral nutrition (TPN).
Her health continued to get worse as she got older, suffering that daily chronic pain as well as nausea and vomiting.
Advert
Now with multi-organ failure and having survived sepsis 25 times, Annaliese has been approved for voluntary assisted dying (VAD) and has opened up in a new video.
She wrote on Instagram: “It shows the reality of my life with a rare terminal condition — the feeding tubes, the constant medical crises, the fear of sepsis, the exhaustion that hits deeper than I ever knew was possible.”
Annaliese’s diagnosis
"My bowel acts as if it’s blocked, but there’s nothing actually blocking it. It’s just the nerves don’t work so, as gross as this is, my stools would back up so much that I would throw it up or drain out my tummy," she explained to News AU.
"I had feeding tubes placed in me, and I was still vomiting, and then we discovered that my stomach wasn’t emptying, so I was put on TPN," she continued. "Because of the line straight into your bloodstream, if you get an infection, it turns to sepsis really quickly, which is very, very, dangerous."
Finally, at the age of 18, Annaliese received a diagnosis as she was told she had the rare neurological disorder Autoimmune Autonomic Ganglionopathy. This damages the nerves responsible for heart rate, blood pressure, digestion and urination.
She was told at 22 that it was terminal and her strong medications have also caused her to develop severe osteoporosis. This has led to her having fractured her spine in four places, cracked her sternum in half and has therefore nearly crushed her heart and lungs.
Anneliese describes her disease as like ‘walking on a field of landmines’.
'I’m just stuck. I’m not living'
The woman says she was ‘so miserable’ as she says she’s had no choice but to ‘deal with it’.
“Even though there’s beautiful moments in my days, they are exhausting and long. I’m in chronic debilitating pain,” she added.
“I missed out on formals, graduations, my 18th, 21st [birthdays], they were all in hospitals being really sick. All my friends, they’re having babies, getting engaged, married. Everyone’s life is moving and I’m just stuck. I’m not living. I’m surviving every day, which is tough.”
And it got to the point where Anneliese has decided she no longer wants to endure it and shared with her family she wishes to ‘die on my own terms’ with VAD.
Voluntary assisted dying with medical aid
Anneliese said her decision was solidified after seeing herself in a hospital mirror and not being able to recognise herself.
"It wasn’t me and I was so exhausted," she recalled. "Life for me now is getting up each day, doing what I need to do medically, taking the painkillers, trying to get through the day, just to go to bed and do it all again."
She added that with the most ‘incredible team’ who have watched everything she’s gone through, she’d told them that: “I don’t want this anymore.”
Her parents are heartbroken by her decision, but 'totally understand' as she told them: “I will not hate you if you let me go."
Anneliese has been approved for VAD, and while she says it might be weird, she was ‘so happy’ when she found out.
“For me, I don’t want to have to wake up every day with anxiety about the pain that I know is ahead for me. The pain of starving to death when they can’t feed me anymore, or the horror of sepsis. Knowing I can go when the time is right is just a huge relief,” she explained. “I feel so lucky that I do have this choice.”
Anneliese concluded: "It’s one of the bravest things you could ever do, to say I want VAD. It’s not giving up. You’ve had enough, and you fought bloody hard."
In Australia, medical aid in dying (MAID) is legal for terminally ill adults able to make their own decision. Both MAID and VAD are different from euthanasia, which is illegal.
If you're experiencing distressing thoughts and feelings, the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is there to support you. They're open from 5pm–midnight, 365 days a year. Their national number is 0800 58 58 58 and they also have a webchat service if you're not comfortable talking on the phone.
Additionally, for support and information surrounding assisted dying you can visit Dignity in Dying.