***WARNING: CONTAINS PHOTOS AND VIDEOS OF A BODY WHICH EVIDENTLY NOBODY WANTED TO SEE***
It feels like an ever-growing section of society are abandoning the rat race and sprinting towards a personal fortune on OnlyFans. So, how hard can it be? See for yourself here:
From the outset (early June), I knew I'd be unlikely to make millions on the content subscription service, for I am not an attractive woman, I am a bald man.
OnlyFans told me that upwards of 500 content creators have been paid out more than $1 million (£720,000) on the site, but they declined to tell me how many of said creators were bald men; I took that as a tacit admission that the answer was 0 percent.
Still, in my worst-case scenario forecast I expected to make maybe £20, propped up by a few mocking mates and perhaps a supportive auntie who thought I was running a 10k or something.
Best-case scenario I'd find my niche, a huge cohort of middle-aged American women inexplicably drawn to my appearance, which has most favourably been compared to Ryan Gosling and least favourably been compared to That Yellow B*****d, from Sin City.
Based on my gross earnings of £0.00 on OnlyFans, it seems the latter comparison may be more accurate.
Things got off to an inauspicious start, when my account was rejected because they couldn't verify my identity (I had to take a photo with driving licence in hand, but I've aged badly, like bananas or the comedy your grandparents like).
I was also gutted to learn that the account name @jakethesnake had already been taken, so I eventually settled on @jaaakethesnaaake (a nod to the length of said snake).
Once I was approved, I set my monthly subscription price at $4.99 (£3.57) - the lowest permissible fee. Lure 'em in early, hit 'em with the premium content, then hike up the prices - that was the plan. How successfully you can create and promote this premium content is essentially what determines how much you make on OnlyFans.
So, to extend my promotional social media posts beyond my family, friends and the other people who follow me who I'm not related to and don't particularly like, I used hashtags such as #OnlyFans.
After each post, I'd receive a number of DMs from shady-looking accounts, asking how much I charged or simply letting me know I was 'looking so pretty'.
To begin with, I ignored these messages, scared the conversation would ultimately result in me being hacked or losing all of my money. Eventually though, with the fan count remaining firmly on ground zero, I took the plunge and engaged.
Predictably though, none of these people wanted to pay me - quite the opposite. 'I have seen your profile and your profile is very appealing and impressive. Wow you definitely get 40-50 subscribers daily.' - all I had to do is pay them $21 (£15) for promotion.
Now, sometimes in business, you have to speculate to accumulate. But other times, you have to cut your losses and pull the plug, and I figured this was one of those times.
Others approached me about doing a 'shout-out for shout-out', whereby we would promote each other's accounts. I wasn't comfortable doing this, though. You shouldn't talk to strangers, let alone promote their potentially horrific content - that's what my mum always taught me.
Looking back, it is clear I could have made a much better fist of it (as the Euros heated up, my content dried up).
Plus, it's hard to keep motivated when you have literally no fans. I could have put anything on my account for all it mattered. Indeed, if a man gets his c*** out on OnlyFans and no one is around to see it, did it even happen?
Besides, I'm not convinced that the outcome would have been different if I had tried harder/got my c*** out (I definitely didn't, by the way).
Mia Karina, for example - one of the aforementioned 500+ content creators who has made more than $1 million on the site - made £1,900 ($2,600) in her first month sharing PG content, so I was hardly on a winning trajectory. In fact, I reckon Mia would have given up too if she didn't bring in a penny in two months.
But while I may not have gained any money, I did gain a... errr, actually, what am I on about? This was an experience characterised by loss. Loss of time, loss of a few Twitter followers, loss of self-esteem. LonelyFans.
Perhaps I didn't reach out to enough strangers. Perhaps I should have joined TikTok. Perhaps I didn't post enough. Perhaps I didn't show enough.
Or perhaps, nobody on this Earth would pay to see photos and videos of me - clothed or otherwise.
But at least my k**b still isn't on the internet*, and no one can take that away from me.
* As far as I'm aware.
PS. If at this stage you're furious that the article didn't include more pics, you know where to head: https://onlyfans.com/jaaakethesnaaake
Featured Image Credit: LADbible