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Have you ever gone to the pub, taken for granted its initial calm, only to look back a minute later and find yourself feeling like you're at the Pyramid Stage on a Saturday afternoon?
Tons of people, all flocked around the bar. Argh! So annoying.
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With all that time, you've probably had a lot of thoughts go through your light-head. Here's my pick:
"GIMME THAT FUCKING BEER!"
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A standard. Probably your first go-to thought. You can barely wait. You're drooling! Gimme that beer right now, barman!
"OI, I WAS HERE BEFORE YOU."
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There's nothing to make you relate to the American Indian struggle like being barged in front of at the bar!
"TRY ANOTHER SAMPLE OF CRAFT ALE. I DARE YOU."
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Go on. Swill that El Capo pale around your mouth some more. See if I don't break your kneecaps, Gregory.
"ALRIGHT, HANG ABOUT. I CAN BARELY BREATHE."
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Stop shoving. Is this the Coach and Horses or Download?
"CAN I PAY BY CHEQUE?"
I don't know. Why didn't I draw out that cash when I had the chance *sweats buckets*
"I WANT QUICHE LORRAINE, NOT LAGER!"
How did I get here?
"29 PUBS CLOSE PER WEEK."
Forget about last orders, a pub closure might come in the way of me getting this pint!
"THEY SAY LIFE'S TOO SHORT."
If life's too short, why am I still in this queue? Clasp your teeth around that.
"WHY DO SPOKEN WORD POETS ALWAYS SOUND LIKE THEY'RE TELLING YOU OFF?"
Stop lecturing me about stuff I'm both already perfectly aware of and not in any position to quash while here in the north west of England, you sanctimonious bag of shit.
"IS THIS HOW THE COLD WAR STARTED?"
Is it?
"NO MATE, I CAN'T JUST 'GET YOU A PINT'."
Who are you, the last King of Scotland? Some people...
"BELLY'S GONNA GET YA!"
Remember that advert?
"WHY ARE WE EVEN WAITING HERE?"
Why are we coughing up £3.80 for a pint when we could all just go to Aldi and get four Galahad Premium lagers for £1.99.
I'm not even joking.
Words by Josh Teal
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