I'll start this article with a disclaimer: I am well aware that even though they are called reality television shows, they are far from reality. What I hadn't realised was just how far detached they really are.
My partner decided it would be a nifty idea to apply for The X Factor and show the judges what he had to offer. After submitting an online application, he was told to arrive at Old Trafford Cricket Ground, Manchester at 9am. We thought we'd get there a little bit early, but it appears every applicant had the same idea.
In the car park, there was a snaking line of people of all ages, backgrounds and singing talents. Organisers thought that playing the hottest dance hits that early on a Sunday morning was a good idea to 'hype up' the crowd. Then a man with a microphone told us they needed to get some shots of the crowd cheering and waving their hands in the air like they just didn't care.
I've seen the show before and know the exact type of shot they needed. But either the crew ran into technical issues or just had a sadistic streak: we were forced to cheer on command, like dolphins at SeaWorld, no less than 30 times. While that doesn't seem like a big deal, I can assure you it was painful. It was more annoying considering the show rakes in tens of millions of pounds per season and they couldn't bother to hire extras to do that job. This is when it first dawned on me that we were all just fodder for them.
Then Dermot O'Leary arrived and provided a bit of star-studded atmosphere. Then we were back to just fake cheering again. *sigh*
The man with the microphone told us the final thing they needed for the cameras was more cheering, but this time with confetti cannons; and then we'd get to go in. Once the confetti settled, we found out to our serious dismay that it wasn't over. More. Fucking. Fake. Screaming.
There were lines to get into lines to get into lines
I think this was easily the most frustrating element to the entire day. After three hours of fake screaming, we FINALLY started to move. That's when I curiously noticed that a few people who had been behind us had mysteriously reappeared pretty far in front. People clearly didn't give a shit about queue etiquette and were pushing in.
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But once we got to the front of the line, we moved into another line, which moved into another line, which moved into a holding room with no system or order. You moved from there to the registration room, only to wait in another line. After all that, you finally got to audition - in front of producers. No Simon, no Louis, no Sharon, no Nicole.
If you got the thumbs-up from them, then you went back into another room where you were interviewed about who you are, why you're here and all that stuff. Then you'd go in for a second audition, again in front of producers. Annoyingly, you're not even told on the spot whether you've got through to the televised auditions; you have to wait for another month for that small bit of news.
I just couldn't understand how, after 14 seasons, they didn't have a more streamlined way of processing applicants. I'm aware that juggling more than a thousand people is tough, but surely there is an easier way of auditioning that many applicants.
People made sure to show everyone they could sing
As we endured more than three hours outside in the rain and sunshine, applicants were intent on showing people around them that they did, indeed, have the X factor. The only problem is, is that this isn't Pitch Perfect or Glee.
Some soloists would deliberately sing loud enough so that everyone would look at them and get some compliments. While some would pass that off as standard practice ("Oh, they're just warming up"), I can assure you that they had ample time and plenty of space to do that elsewhere.
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Much funnier to watch were the groups trying to 'warm up'. They sang some decent pop songs - and don't get me wrong, they were good. But they were obviously all trying to be the Beyoncé and not the Michelle in the group, and ended up looking like Kristen Wiig and Rose Byrne trying to outdo each other in Bridesmaids.
Being a singing contest, diva attitude was to be
expected. I saw parents, clearly exhausted from sitting there all day, get
pushed and pulled by their kids. As one girl was heading up to her audition,
she went ballistic at her mum for no apparent reason.
It was all so
goddamn fake
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Like I said at the start, I know that there are elements to reality TV which aren't real. But once we moved from the first line, we were told that we'd be lining up for the cameras to do a 'mock registration'. We were even given fake CDs so that we could pretend to give X Factor staff our music.
Once we got into the seemingly endless holding room we got to do more fake cheering. But we were also asked to look at a corner of the room and pretend we were watching people auditioning in front of the celebrity judges. We had to fake laugh as well as pretend to be shocked and embarrassed.
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Producers then picked people to sit on a box right in front of us and give each other fake pep talks. They were told what topics to talk about, and usually had to do it four or five times until they got what they wanted. Some people shone and others clearly found the idea of forced conversation awkward.
Other people, usually the pretty ones, were picked to walk around the room while a camera followed them. We were delighted when we were selected to stand in a hallway with half a dozen other groups and pretend to 'warm up' while the camera followed another person walking to their audition.
As we waited in the Room of Eternity, I overheard one applicant say to her mate: "I literally cannot believe how fake this whole thing is. Can we just audition and go home already?"
Another line I loved was heard outside. One girl said to her companion: "So, what's going to be your story?" Their reply: "Oh, I think I'm just going to say that I'm doing this for my nan. They're not going to know otherwise."
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It took all goddamn
day
When I say all day, I mean it took 13 fucking hours. We didn't leave until 10pm. I wondered whether they should rename the show to 'The P Factor', because clearly this whole process is a social experiment to see just how patient people are.
We were among the last people out the door - those left waiting for their second audition were advised to come back the next day because the producers were tired. One girl asked a runner how long it was going to take until her turn as the last bus back to Leeds left at 9pm, to be met with a reply of: "I don't know how long it's going to be, couldn't you just book a hotel and come back tomorrow?"
I'm not sure if you know, Mr Runner, but 'tomorrow' was a Monday and some people have jobs or school or studies to attend. The benefit of having this audition on a Sunday was that most people could come.
I should note that the staff were actually really kind and it was probably a tough day for them as well. It's not easy managing more than a thousand people, half of whom I imagine begged them to be the next to audition. But as I said earlier, surely after 14 seasons they'd have the whole process streamlined?
It was an experience, I'll say that much. I just felt bad for the people who you could tell really wanted to be there for their big break.
Featured Image Credit:Topics: Reality TV, x factor