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Sitting through the 'Happy Birthday' song is a pretty strange experience. It's the ultimate 'Eeek!' moment we all have to endure year in, year out.
The song itself lasts about, what, 20 seconds? But it sure feels like 20 hours!
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Being alone with your thoughts for such an amount of time is never easy, so I've come up with my pick of all the things that have definitely gone through your head whilst being wished 'Happy Birthday'.
We can all relate...
"WHAT'S THE POINT IN A NUCLEAR DETERRENT WHEN IT'D BE TOO LATE TO USE ANYWAY?"
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You know how it goes: the song begins, the smiles beckon and you start thinking about Trident. Then you get annoyed at how easily the topic has slipped into your head. It's never fun staring your Auntie Clare square in the face and thinking, 'Surely our country shouldn't be spending £40billion on something that is essentially a bogeyman?' Yikes!
"STEPHEN HAWKING RECKONS THE UNIVERSE IS TOO COMPLEX TO EVER FULLY UNDERSTAND."
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Well, I've got a question then: why the big fuss over me, guys? *covers sweaty armpits*
"I'M SURE GAME OF THRONES IS GREAT..."
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I just don't have the time. When I do, I might go for Twin Peaks instead.
"WHAT IS 'NOTHING'?"
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People always tell me it's 'the nonexistence of anything', but that's still something, do you know what I mean?
"YOU ALL GO ON ABOUT GEORGE BUSH BEING STUPID..."
Yet here you are trying to tell me he was the mastermind behind the biggest ever attack on American soil.
"29 PUBS CLOSE PER WEEK IN THE UK."
Christ, that's bad. Erm... think of a happy place.
OK, I'm on a beach, it's sunny. I've got a beer in my hand. Ahh, beer. I might not be able to get this in a pub in ten years' time. Argh!
"IS THE GODFATHER THE GREATEST FILM OF ALL TIME?"
Perfect cast, story, locations, impeccable character development and sense of family integrity. It really is top-drawer cinema. But do I wanna be that guy who says it's the best? It's like saying the Beatles are the greatest band of all time. It's clearly true, but should I say Sleaford Mods to stand out? This is awkward!
"IF I HAD A TIME MACHINE, WHERE WOULD I GO AND WHAT WOULD I DO?"
Looking at the worrying number of candles on your birthday cake is enough to make you question time, its lengths and limitations. And time bending, of course!
The Jurassic age, Victorian times; Hacienda in its salad days. These are all good shouts, but who are you kidding? You know you'd have to push a young Hitler over a train platform, wouldn't you!
"INVERTED COMMAS AREN'T A TRUMP CARD."
If I go to a restaurant and order a dish that I don't really like, it doesn't mean the credibility of the chef or his staff is in question - it just means I don't like the dish. The fact other people might like the dish still remains.
"NO SHIT PSYCHICS DON'T TELL YOU THE BAD STUFF."
No-one would pay money to hear bad news about themselves. It's not cause they're cautious of your well-being, mate.
"WHAT IF THIS IS LIKE THAT LUIS BUNUEL FILM?"
You know, that one with the dinner party where everyone wants to leave but for some reason every time they try, they can't? Weird!
"TURN THAT HEATING UP!"
It's fucking freezing.
"MY COLLEAGUE ASKED ME WHAT TAYLOR MOMSEN WAS UP TO THE OTHER DAY."
I told him I didn't know and then I think he Googled her.
"WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH LAMPSHADES?"
I mean, if it's a lamp... why would you want shade?
"ENGLAND ACTUALLY OVER-ACHIEVE AT INTERNATIONAL TOURNAMENTS."
We've been intolerably shit for at least eight years now. The fact we even qualify, let alone reach last 16, is massive for us.
"JFK ONCE SPOKE GERMAN DURING A SPEECH. MAYBE I SHOULD DO THE SAME AFTER I BLOW OUT MY CANDLES."
JFK once impressed a bunch of Berliners in Berlin by saying he was one of them in light of the erection of the Berlin Wall. Would that be too much? Too heavy? Too "too"? Oh my God, I can't even!
"RIP HARAMBE."
Harambe. Harambe. The big guy in the sky. He didn't deserve to go the way he did. In fact, he should be here singing with the rest of my family and friends.
Did I miss some out? Let me know yours!
Words by Josh Teal
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