Relationship coach shares the formula for the perfect message

A sex educator and coach has revealed her top tips for 'the perfect first message'.

If you've left your recent right swipe sitting there for a few days - or even weeks - at a loss over how best to pop up to them and be in with a real shot of a date, then fear not, because help is on the way.

We've all been there, feeling like swiping right across our multiple dating apps is getting us nowhere.

You swipe, but then you have the dreaded first message to try and come up with.

Fear not, because there's a certain 'formula' you can use which will increase your odds to make sure you actually end up having a conversation, get out of that dreaded talking stage and actually meet up for that in-person date.

And according to sex educator and coach for Practical Pie, Niki Davis-Fainbloom there are four main factors you have to think about before hitting send on your first message.

Pexels/ Ketut Subiyanto

First things first, don't go too heavy too soon. Don't send someone a hefty paragraph or even an essay - yes, I hold my hands up, guilty - and risk scaring them away.

Davis-Fainbloom tells Feast Magazine you should 'stick to a medium length' message.

"Extremely short messages like 'Hi' or 'How’s it going?' can be dull and don’t open up the conversation," she explains. "On the other hand, excessively long messages can be overwhelming, especially in an initial interaction. These lengthy messages may intimidate the other person and discourage them from responding."

Instead, a message which is somewhere in the middle can be more 'concise' yet still be 'thoughtful'.

However, that's as long as you make sure to show an interest in them too, that is.

Pexels/ cottonbro studio

We've all been on a date where all they've done is drone on about themselves, so set the precedent from the get go you're interested in them and their life.

Davis-Fainbloom's second tip is to 'comment on something intriguing from their profile'.

"In the digital age, where profiles provide a window into an individual’s life, hobbies, and aspirations, this method can be a powerful way to establish a connection," she explains.

This could be a fact they mention about their favourite food, book, travel destination or their pet. FYI men, women always love a compliment about their dog.

Pexels/ Mizuno K

Not to sound like your university lecturer, but spelling is also key to making sure you're in with a stronger chance of getting a reply to your first message too.

Davis-Fainbloom says: "Research by apps like OKCupid found certain words like 'u,' 'ur,' 'luv,' and 'wat' are less likely to lead to a response. If you can’t take the time to write out complete words and coherent sentences, it doesn’t bode well for showing that person you’d like to get to know them."

And, if it wasn't obvious enough already, getting someone's name wrong can be an immediate 'turn off' too.

Pixabay/ amrothman

Last, but never least, is the dreaded timing of the message. It can feel impossible to know when to hit 'Send' the first time you reach out to someone online, but there is definitely a certain time which doesn't give off the best impression according to Davis-Fainbloom.

The sex coach notes if you send it in the late hours of the night or early hours of the morning, it will suggest 'you're only interested in a late-night rendezvous' - so you may want to hold off, depending on your intentions of course.

She also adds you should make sure to only 'reach out once' and if they don't reply after one message, you have your answer.

Davis-Fainbloom resolves: "The frequency of your messages plays a crucial role in how you are perceived. Bombarding someone with multiple messages in quick succession can come across as invasive or overly eager.

"[...] Ultimately, respecting someone’s boundaries and their right to respond on their own terms is key to building healthy and mutually satisfying relationships. By showing consideration for their time and feelings, you demonstrate maturity and genuine interest in connecting with them, which can lead to more meaningful interactions in the long run."

Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships, UK News, World News, Technology, Phones

Poppy Bilderbeck

Poppy Bilderbeck is a Senior Journalist at LADbible Group. She graduated from The University of Manchester in 2021 with a First in English Literature and Drama, where alongside her studies she was Editor-in-Chief of The Tab Manchester. Poppy is most comfortable when chatting about all things mental health, is proving a drama degree is far from useless by watching and reviewing as many TV shows and films as possible and is such a crisp fanatic the office has been forced to release them in batches.