When you’re tracking your partner’s every move or reading their messages, that’s not care — it’s control

Warning: This article contains discussion of family and domestic violence which some readers may find distressing.

It might sound like love. A partner who wants to know where she is all the time, insists on checking her messages, or who quietly logs into her socials “just to keep her safe.”

But when someone’s movements, friendships or even what they post online are constantly being monitored or controlled it’s not love — it’s about power and it’s coercive control. And coercive control is family and domestic violence.

Coercive control is when someone uses a pattern of abusive behaviours to take away another person’s independence and freedom. It can sometimes be hard to spot from the outside.

It doesn’t leave bruises. But it can leave someone feeling like they’re always walking on eggshells, isolated from their mates, doubting their own instincts and slowly losing control over their life.

Technology can be used with this kind of abuse. A partner might install tracking apps without permission. They might demand passwords or punish someone for liking the wrong post. They might blow up when texts aren’t answered straight away.

They’ll say it’s because they’re “just worried” or that “it’s normal to share everything when you’re in love.” But love shouldn’t feel like surveillance.

And tech-based control is often just one piece of the puzzle. Coercive control can also be controlling what someone wears, limiting their access to money, gaslighting them or stopping them from seeing their family and friends.

These actions might start small but over time, they add up. The person on the receiving end may not even realise what’s happening until they feel completely trapped.

Coercive control and family and domestic violence can impact people from all walks of life and people of different ages, gender, sexuality, religion and cultural backgrounds.

But the stats say family and domestic violence is most commonly perpetrated against women, by men — and while not all men use these behaviours, all men can be part of the solution. That starts with being willing to reflect on our own actions, and to check in when we see a mate acting in ways that feel off.

A conversation doesn’t have to be confrontational to make an impact. It could be as simple as, “Hey, what did you mean when you said that?” or “I noticed you’ve been checking her location a lot — everything okay?”

Asking questions opens the door to reflection without putting someone immediately on the defensive. You can help them see the bigger picture, and give them support options if they want to change. To learn more about how to start a conversation safely, visit the WA Gov website.

Remember, this stuff doesn’t just happen in movies or headlines. It happens in group chats. In share-houses. In your suburb. And it can happen to people you know. Even if you don’t have all the answers, saying something can shift the culture — especially when other men hear it.

So if your gut’s telling you something’s not right, listen to it. Coercive control is family and domestic violence and, if we want to end it, we need to start talking about it.

If you or someone you know needs help or support, confidential help is available. Visit the WA Gov website to learn more about coercive control and support available.