I woke up late this morning and, in my hurry, I had to scrap half of my morning ritual. Unfortunately, it was the 10 minutes I spend on the toilet that I had to scrap.
By the time I was on the train, I had to go urgently. This could not wait the 19 minutes remaining on my journey to Manchester Piccadilly. I had to introduce the toilet to the bald man with the cigar. Immediately.
Anyway, after I'd lined the grim seat with toilet paper, I sat down and answered the call of the wind.
I had no shampoo bottle to read, so my mind began to wonder. Wait, I thought, where does all the shit and piss go from train toilets?
I was pretty sure I knew what happened on planes. They just drop it from the sky, don't they? I'm sure I read something once about a log of shit hitting some poor bloke on the head, killing him instantly.*
So, as I sat on the cold Virgin shitter, darting towards Manchester, I whipped out my phone and opened up my trusty friend Google.
Most modern toilets are fitted with tanks which are pumped out at depots. Boring. But don't you go clicking off this article just yet. I found a scandal.
It turns out that shit loads of trains actually just drop all of our piss, puke and poo straight on to the track. In fact, one in 10 of them still dump tons of shite all over the rails, according to the BBC.
The madness doesn't stop there.
There's so much turd on the tracks that it has acted like fertiliser and fucking tomatoes are growing.
Actual tomatoes have grown on the route between Southend in Essex and London's Liverpool Street station, all because someone couldn't hold in last night's curry.
Seriously, look:
One of the workers told The Mirror: "We spotted this at Rochford in Essex. It just shows what a s*it line it is with these tomatoes thriving on fertiliser from the trains."
I don't know about you but I'll never be able to look at a tomato the same again.
*This story may just be a figment of my imagination.
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