Bonfire night's a weird one. The fact we celebrate the death of a Catholic fundamentalist by use of explosions is not exactly the 'Happy Birthday Jesus!' of Christmas or the 'Thanks a lot, Jesus' of Easter.
In case your teachers were all Labradors in shirts and ties, bonfire night is celebrated on November 5th - the day in 1605 that Guy Fawkes (the greatest Yorkshireman in history with the exception of Sean Bean) and 12 others attempted to assassinate King James I - a Protestant - by blowing up the House of Commons and every possible James I sympathiser in there to establish a Catholic monarch.
The plan failed, Fawkes was caught, and his image became an effigy for Royalists and Protestants to burn every year.
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For the rest of us, it's just to meet up with mates in a freezing cold park and pretend to like fireworks.
Anyway, 'tis the season. Here's a few things you may not have known about bonfire night, fireworks, and Guy Fawkes.
LADS LADS LADS
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GUY FAWKES WAS NOT ACTUALLY HUNG, DRAWN, AND QUARTERED
Even though this method of torture was all the rage in 1600s England, Fawkes actually died from a broken neck after leaping from the gallows in a bid to avoid being castrated and disemboweled while still alive. He was still quartered after, though.
FIREWORKS DIDN'T BEGIN WITH GUY FAWKES
The first set of fireworks here were set off at the wedding of Henry VII in 1486. Bet they were all like, 'what the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck????'
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FIREWORKS WERE ACCIDENTALLY INVENTED
Much like the 'Super Noodle sandwich', fireworks were something of a serendipity. A Chinese cook allegedly made the explosive powder way back in the 10 century by mixing potassium nitrate, sulphur and charcoal before setting light to it. Rumour has it he then sold a bunch to his local Co-op.
Image: PA
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THERE'S A REASON YOU SEE A FIREWORK EXPLOSION BEFORE ITS BANG
Sound travels at 761mph, while light travels at 671,000,000 mph. Neat!
UNTIL 1959, IT WAS THE LAW TO CELEBRATE BONFIRE NIGHT IN BRITAIN
I would be up for reinstating this. Too many egg munchers out there complaining about the cold and bailing last minute.
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THE ONLY PLACE WHICH DIDN'T PAY ATTENTION TO THAT WAS ST PETER'S SCHOOL IN YORK
Guy Fawkes was schooled in York, as in 'he was a student there' not 'he got smoked by some random tourist'.
St Peter's School continues to refuse the burn the effigy of its former pupil.
GUY FAWKES WAS A YORKSHIRE LAD
He had a good head on him, notwithstanding the deadly intentions and all. For that, we should respect him.
Image: PA
HE WAS ALSO A SAVAGE
Wanting to blow up the king in a period of time where having your bollocks cut off and burnt in front of your eyes was a method of punishment is A+ alpha male enough, but Fawkes also had the verbal flair to match it. When asked during questioning why he'd been in possession of so much gunpowder, Fawkes answered: "To blow you Scotch beggars back to your native mountains."
THE GUNPOWDER PLOT WAS DISCOVERED THANKS TO ONE GUY
Very much a 'you had one job' moment, the plan to kill the king was foiled after one of the team wrote to a mate in parliament telling him to keep clear from the Houses of Parliament on November 5th.
THE WORD 'BONFIRE' HASN'T GOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH GUY FAWKES
The origin of the 'bonfire' comes from 'bone fire', which at the time was the name given to the burning of witches, heretics and bones.
Still standing, I see. Makes me fucking sick. Image: PA
THE GUNPOWDER ITSELF COULD HAVE DONE MASSIVE DAMAGE
When we think about the gunpowder plot in the age of drone bombs and 'Satan 2', it looks relatively cute. But Fawkes didn't fuck about.
The Institute of Physics conducted research that stated the 2,500kg explosion of gunpowder could have likely extended over 490 metres, destroying Westminster Hall, the Abbey and stretched as far as Whitehall.
GUY FAWKES' FACIAL APPEARANCE IS NOW EMPLOYED BY VIRGINS ACROSS THE WORLD
Anyone who wears these masks, as shown on the main image, hasn't been to the dentist since 2007.
Have a good one!
Featured image credit: PA
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