Putin Has Developed 'Robot Tanks', But Could They Beat Chaos II?

Vladimir Putin is allegedly preparing to deploy remote control robot tanks as part of his next collection of weapons.

Unfortunately, what our Vlad has failed to realise is that if he was thrown into a Robot Wars arena, he'd be left on his knees, weeping at the realisation that Dave from Sheffield has managed to dismantle his Soviet machine with an old RC car with a ban saw attached.

Faced against amateur roboteers, who don't have access to the fire power that Putin does, he'd be made to concede that it takes more than a super-villain nose and a suit to be a force to be reckoned with. In the 90s all the robots looked like they'd been put together after a balding man had left his house with £20, bought scrap metal off a local junkie, and had returned home with enough money to buy a pack of cigs and four cans of Kestrel.

Making his way to the family garage, which is full of bikes with flat tyres and a broken fridge that hasn't worked since 1992; donning a white, Bolognese-stained vest, the cyborg would be haphazardly welded together by 'Big Dave', as a Benson & Hedges hangs from his mouth and a bead of condensation streams down the side of his super-strength lager.

"We've drawn Chaos 2 in the next round? Bollocks." Credit: PA

Quite frankly, Vlad The Im-failure, can get fucked with his 300KGs worth of equipment and top speeds of 17mph, because none of that helps inside the fearsome arena.

As a note, if Russia does decide that it'll use these MCP-300s, as they're supposedly called, the first line of defence should be 'Chaos 2'. Remember that bastard? It could literally send any machine into the air, making it do more flips than Jeff Hardy did while jumped up on speed on the top turnbuckle. And while we're on the subject of a bionic invasion, can we just get Craig Charles and Jonathan Pearce on standby, ready to report/commentate it for every major news outlet?

Chaos II even beat Hypnodisk. Credit: BBC

It'd certainly spruce up the entire thing. Getting Max and Paddy getting involved will also be welcomed with open arms.

"Much has been done, we have made major technological progress," Russian deputy prime minister Dmitry Rogozin said about the robot tank drones. On the other hand, Cowboy Eddie, friend of Big Dave and known for wearing a cowboy hat, said: "ARE YOU READY?!"

Russian newspaper Izvestia has reported that Russia's tanks can work in different environments and even function after attacks, whether they be nuclear, chemical or biological. The Robot Wars arenas have been in the London Docklands, Hertfordshire, Manchester and Renfrew (just west of Glasgow), so if you want to chat about tackling different terrain, we can.

Rogozin claimed that Russia is "moving towards intelligent weapons because we need them," and he's right. It's not so simple to outwit Sir Killalot, Mr. Psycho and Cassius Chrome.

Conclusion: Vladimir Putin would not make it past the first round. Shithouse.

Featured image credit: PA/BBC

Mark McGowan

Mark is a journalist at LADbible, who joined in 2015 after a year as a freelance writer. In the past he blogged for independent football fan channel Redmen TV, after graduating from Staffordshire University with degrees in journalism and English literature. He has worked on campaigns such as UOKM8? and IIOC.