Jeremy Clarkson warns XL Bully ban will only lead to new breed XL ’Wolftronic’
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Earlier this week, it was announced that the 'XL Bully' dog breed was to be banned.
This comes after a series of attacks across the UK were made by the dogs; one resulting in the death of a middle-aged man.
Clarkson believes the ban won't discourage 'idiot breeders', but instead have them move onto the next breed of dog that they can supersize and disfigure in the name of aesthetics.
In his typical sarcastic tone he writes: "We have to accept that if you are the sort of shaven-headed brute with a neck the size of a birthday cake, extensive facial artwork, and a piece of string, you don’t really want a King Charles spaniel on the other end of it."
Clarkson goes on to say that these people 'want something scary,' adding: "This is the kind of muscle-dog you imagine providing the fire-lit half-time entertainment at a backwoods bare-knuckle fistfight. It’s like walking around with a four-legged machine gun. People are going to get out of your way.
"These dogs were bred to fight and kill not just one another, and cockerels, but also the losers of the aforementioned bare-knuckle fistfights. And that’s why the XL has now joined the Pitbull and the Dogo Argentino on the 1991 Dangerous Dogs Act."
Clarkson then goes on to say how every dog originated from wolves that were domesticated, meaning that: "All dogs, even the small ones supermodels have in their handbags, can trace their ancestry back to the howling yellow-eyed monster."
The fast car-fanatic-turned-farm-owner referred to his own dogs, two fox-red labradors, saying: "As far removed from the American XL bully or the Pitbull as a Class 1 offshore power boat is from the stamen of a daffodil. As I write, one of them is staring at the wall and the other is upside down. Soft doesn’t begin to cover it. They even got frightened last night by the whale song in a James Cameron movie.
"If I take them on a walk, though, and they see a deer, they are no longer house-trained, domesticated fireside dogs. They become high-speed attack dogs. They can leap over 5ft-high fences and tear at 40 mph over rough ground, and it doesn’t matter how many times I shout 'Fenton', they absolutely will not stop."
Clarkson said he'd spoken to a breeder that very afternoon about the ban, to which they told him new breeds will continue to be invented with 'the morals of a zombie, the teeth of a great white, and a bite force greater than a hyena.'
Then, to give the dog some appeal amongst their 'bare-knuckle friends' they'll name it something like 'Wolftronic'.
Clarkson concluded: "So these dangerous dogs won’t ever go away. As each one is banned, a worse one will come along to replace it.
"It all sounds rather depressing, but I think I have a solution.
"We let someone buy a Wolftronic. And we let them call it B*st*rd, if that’s what they want.
"But we insist that it must be dyed Barbie pink."