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An itchy bumhole is an affliction few of us would wish upon our worst enemy.
But a man in China made matters considerably worse for himself after he used a 7-inch bottle to scratch the itch, before subsequently 'accidentally' losing it up his jacksie.
To be fair, that probably did help him to forget all about the itch.
The 60-year-old - who has understandably not been named - rocked up at Dongguan Hospital of Traditional Chinese and Western Medicine, in South China's Guangdong Province, on 12 November complaining of discomfort in his abdomen.
Doctor Lin Jun, the facility's head gastroenterologist, said the cause of the discomfort was soon found - around two inches inside the man's anus.
The hard object in question transpired to be a bottle of Florida Water cologne, measuring seven inches long and two inches wide at its thickest point. Florida Water, known in Mandarin as 'hualushui', is used as a perfume, a hand sanitiser or as an insect repellent (or as an a******e sratcher, it seems).
Speaking to local media, Dr Jun revealed how the patient explained the misplacement of the bottle.
He said: "The patient told me: 'My abdomen hurts. There's something inside. I can't poo or fart.'
"The entire glass bottle was inside his rectum. I could feel the bottle under his abdomen.
"He said his anus was itching. He said: 'I was very uncomfortable, so I bought a bottle of Florida Water and began scratching the itch. Then the bottle accidentally went up my rectum.'"
Yep, that all checks out.
Though, as Dr Jun pointed out, there are more logical ways of treating an itchy anus.
He said: "It's better to seek medical attention and let a doctor help you than attempt to resolve similar conditions by buying tools and such things."
Still, with that ship having well and truly sailed, the patient was anaesthetised from the waist down and the glass bottle was extracted by reaching into the man's rectum and tying a metal wire around its centre before pulling it out. Surely, a procedure that reminded surgeons why they got into the profession.
They were far from the first to perform such a procedure, though.
In June 2018, Chinese doctors also retrieved a bottle of Florida Water from a patient's rectum, while in February of the same year medics at Dongguan's Donghua Hospital surgically removed a 3.5-inch-wide glass sphere a 31-year-old man had inserted up his own anus.
Scratch carefully friends.
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