Meet Genghis Khan, The Most Brutal Bastard In History Who You’re Probably Related To
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A bloke dressed up as Genghis Khan. Image credit: PA Images
Orite, mate, I haven't read up much on history since I was made to do homework at school, but the other day I came across one fuck so twisted and deranged that it made me think it was worth letting you all know about him.
I mean, reading this shit was like reading through something from a real-life Game of Thrones. In fact, it was probably worse.
So, without further ado, meet Genghis Khan...
So I know what you're thinking here, he doesn't look that brutal and he's not much of a looker. But maybe you shouldn't judge a book by its cover. This man was not only responsible for the deaths of as many as 40 million people, but his notorious shagging means that one in every 200 of all of us alive today is a direct relative of him - that's tens of millions of us.
But how did it all begin for him...
Unlike the mollycoddled men that grow up today playing Pokémon Go and listening to tracks about 'Becky with the good hair', ol' Ghengis had the kind of brutal upbringing that can only breed a cold, calculating, hardnosed bastard.
Born in north central Mongolia around 1162, Genghis Khan was originally named 'Temujin' after a Tatar chieftain that his father, Yesukhei, had captured. Imagine that, your dad captures some bloke and then to add insult to injury he names you after him.
Genghis chillin' on a modern Mongolian bank note. Image credit: Blogspot
Rival Tatars poisoned his father when he was only nine, and his own tribe later expelled his family and left his mother to raise her seven children alone. This meant that Genghis grew up hunting and foraging to survive, and as an adolescent he may have even murdered his own half-brother in a dispute over food.
A PORTRAIT OF THE MONGAL AS A YOUNG LAD
When he was about 20, Genghis was captured in a raid by former family allies, the Taichi'uts, and temporarily enslaved. He escaped with the help of a sympathetic captor and then joined his brothers and several other clansmen to form a fighting unit.
From there he began his slow ascent to power by building a large army of more than 20,000 men. He set out to destroy traditional divisions among the various tribes and unite the Mongols under his rule.
But, thinking about it, I might have got ahead of myself a bit here...
BUT WHO DA FUCK DA MONGOLS?
That's a good question, mate. Originating in the steppes of Central Asia, the Mongol Empire emerged from the unification of nomadic tribes under the leadership of Genghis Khan. He was proclaimed ruler of all Mongols in 1206, so being a Mongol originally meant you were ruled by Khan.
The Mongolian empire was established because he went against custom by putting competent allies rather than relatives in key positions in his army and, while he executed the leaders of enemy tribes, he would incorporate the remaining members into his clan.
He also ordered that all looting wait until after a complete victory had been won, and organized his warriors into organised units of 10 not based on family connections. He was tolerant of people of all religions in his armies, he cared more about conquering, than what god you believed in.
GENGHIS'S BLOODY RAMPAGE THROUGH ASIA
By the time he was proclaimed the ruler of all Mongol he was thought of as more of a god than a man.
Genghis wasted no time in capitalizing on his divine stature. Although they were spurred by the fact they thought they were fighting for a literal god, his armies were also driven by environmental circumstances. This was because, as his empire grew, food and resources were becoming scarce. They therefore had to capture more territory to survive.
In 1207, he led his armies against the kingdom of Xi Xia and, after two years, forced it to surrender. In 1211, Genghis Khan's armies struck the Jin Dynasty in northern China, lured by almost endless rice fields and easy pickings of wealth.
TURKISH (MURDEROUS) DELIGHT
Genghis Khan's armies were also active in the west against border empires and the Muslim world. Initially, he used diplomacy to establish trade relations with the Khwarizm Dynasty, a Turkish-dominated empire that included Turkestan, Persia, and Afghanistan.
But when one of his diplomats was killed he demanded the governor be extradited to him and sent a diplomat to retrieve him. Shah Muhammad, the leader of the Khwarizm Dynasty, not only refused the demand, but in defiance sent back the head of the Mongol diplomat.
This act released a fury that would sweep through central Asia and into eastern Europe. In 1219, Genghis Khan took control of planning and executing a three-prong attack of 200,000 Mongol soldiers against the Khwarizm Dynasty.
The Mongols swept through every city's fortifications with unstoppable savagery. Those who weren't immediately slaughtered were driven in front of the Mongol army, serving as human shields when the Mongols took the next city.
THE TEARS OF A KHAN
But eventually even the mighty must face death. He is believed to have died in 1227 after falling from a horse, although one more questionable account claims he was murdered while trying to force himself on a Chinese princess.
However he died, he took great pains to keep his final resting place a secret. His funeral procession slaughtered everyone they came in contact with and repeatedly rode horses over his grave to help conceal it. The tomb is most likely on or around a Mongolian mountain called Burkhan Khaldun, but to this day its precise location is unknown.
All in all, it's impossible to know for sure how many people perished during the Mongol conquests, but historians put the number at somewhere around 40 million. The population of China plummeted by tens of millions during Khan's lifetime, and he may have killed a full three-fourths of modern-day Iran's population during his war with the Khwarezmid Empire.
All-in-all, the Mongols' attacks may have reduced the entire world population by as much as 11 percent.
So, there we have it. Genghis Khan, one of the biggest and hardest bastards who ever lived.
Words by James Dawson