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Topics: Mental Health, Community, Sex and Relationships
Joshua Nair
Topics: Mental Health, Community, Sex and Relationships
According to therapists, a lot of people may be too independent for their own good, to the point where it's detrimental to their relationships.
Some individual traits can prove to be obstacles in maintaining long-term, healthy relationships. One of these can be independence, which may sound a bit bizarre.
Being self-sufficient, both mentally and financially, should be what a lot of people aim to do, but as with most traits, an extreme form of this could prevent you from keeping a partner around.
This has been given a name too - hyper-independence, which can appear as a form of self-reliance and a reluctance to ask anyone from help in several situations.
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So, what are the main differences between this and being healthily independent?
There's a world of difference between the two terms.
While healthy independence involves having your own money, social life, and goals outside of your relationship, and also communicating with your partner and working together, hyper-independence concerns the opposite of this.
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Summer Forlenza, a licensed family and marriage therapist, explained the term to Huffington Post: “Hyper-independence is over-relying on yourself and under-relying on others. It’s also known as toxic independence.”
Their behaviours may go beyond relationships too, simply refusing to ask for help at work when they need it, or not delegating tasks because they don't trust anyone else.
In relationships, this can look like a refusal for their partner to pay for them.
Another therapist, Liana Ross, who is also a mental health counsellor and podcast host, added that it's to do with severity.
“Hyper-independence is an extreme form of self-reliance, possibly to the point of isolating yourself from your support network and refusing help even when it’s much needed,” she said.
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Independence in itself is a good thing, but it's all about the level of it, according to Ross. Both therapists explained that hyper-independence can stem from trauma as a child, either through having unreliable caregivers or needing to take care of you or siblings on your own.
Mental health counsellor Lauren Auer added: “But then later in life, those patterns that have become ingrained in you can play out in romantic relationships, friendships and other relationships.”
While Forlenza linked the personality trait with past betrayals, all three therapists said that hyper-independence can cause burnout and negatively impact your life.
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Being in a relationship is all about being a team, after all, and coming across like you don't need the other person could send the wrong message.
Forlenza added that you must acknowledge the ways that being hyper-independent has benefited you and find the reasons behind it.
“It’s really helpful to honour and express gratitude for what’s worked about it,” she explained.
Next, you'll have to find areas of your life where being hyper-independent hasn't been a help, and see if delegating the task or asking for someone's help will take some weight off your shoulders. For example, can you ask your partner for help with something that would make them feel valued?
Then, it's all about taking steps to become more dependent on others who you trust.
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Auer said that most people like helping others out, adding: “It feels really good to help! That’s how you build a healthy relationship.”
At the same time, Ross pointed out: “Extreme codependency isn’t good either, it’s important to find the inner ground.”
Balance is the word, then.