Warning: This article contains discussion of child abuse which some readers may find distressing.
Fearne Cotton has opened up on feeling 'shamed' and 'ignored' by her colleagues at Radio 1 following the arrest of her former boyfriend, convicted peadophile Ian Watkins.
The TV presenter, 44, dated the Lostprophets singer for about a year in 2005, years before his horrific crimes became public in 2012.
Watkins, who was serving time for child sex crimes, was killed in a knife attack at HMP Wakefield last October.
Advert
Although Cotton doesn't mention Watkins by name in her new book Likeable, she reflected on being live on air after 'a horrible news story that doesn’t involve me yet has a tenuous and life-altering link to me will be broadcast on my own radio show again that day'.
“I feel simultaneously glared at, stared at, yet utterly ignored by those in the office,” she wrote.
“Are they all talking about me behind my back? Or am I a narcissist for thinking that?”
Cotton was 'shoving down the anger, the rage, the sorrow and tears' as the news story carried on.
“The shame belongs to others,” she said, writing that her feelings were because of 'men who have shamed me, treated me badly and left me lumbered with it'.
After leaving Radio 1 in 2015, Cotton said: “I stopped trying to be funny, I limited how much of myself I gave away, I diluted my personality to a weak imitation of the person I used to be. And then I quit.
"I stopped talking altogether. I believed at that point that the only way to be liked was to silence myself.
"Although I don’t regret leaving Radio 1, as it led to incredible new paths and opportunities, I feel sad that I let those voices in.”
In 2013, the Welsh rock star was handed a 29-year sentence for crimes including the attempted rape of a baby.
He admitted 13 offences, such as three counts of sexual assault involving children, seven involving taking, making or possessing indecent images of children and one of possessing an extreme image involving a sex act on an animal.
Three days after his death, Cotton told her social media followers that she was 'feeling a bit wobbly at the moment'.
"Here are four things that I learned this week. The first one was from the Happy Place podcast where I spoke to Charlie Mackesy who talked a lot about shame which I greatly appreciated," she said.
"And the one reminder that I had from that episode was that so many of us feel shame but we assume it's just us because that is what shame does. It wants you to believe that it's just you but it's not."
Coroner Oliver Longstaff said Watkins was found dead at the West Yorkshire jail on 11 October 'following a report he had been stabbed in the neck'.
Prisoners Rashid Gedel, 25, and Samuel Dodsworth, 43, have been charged with Watkins' murder. Gedel has pleaded not guilty.
LADbible Group has contacted Fearne Cotton's representatives for comment.
If you’ve been affected by any of these issues and want to speak to someone in confidence regarding the welfare of a child, contact the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000, 10am-8pm Monday to Friday. If you are a child seeking advice and support, call Childline for free on 0800 1111, 24/7.
Anish Vij