When I Tried To Join The Illuminati I Found Out That Noel Edmonds Is A Member

As a child, I had to live a lie. While my classmates talked about wanting to be soldiers, astronauts and doctors when they grew up, I had to deny the fact that I longed to join a secret society who control the world.

During lunch hours, my friends would mindlessly kick around a football and innocently chase girls while I buried my head in books about the Freemasons, New World Order and presidents who shape-shift into reptiles behind closed doors.

Fast forward 20 years and my life, just like yours, didn't turn out as planned. But the dream of performing a symbol-filled Super Bowl half time show with Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber (big players in the Illuminati scene, FYI), still remained.

PROOF:

Yesterday morning, as I generally avoided doing any work by browsing on Facebook, I came across a life changing post. You could probably call it fate.

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This was my chance. I'd been handed a lifeline. The £180 that remained in my bank account after weekends of alcohol abuse would be replaced with millions in no time. Before long, I'd be rubbing shoulders with elite bankers, George W. Bush and Beyonce.

Without delay, I sent a WhatsApp to the Grand Master of the Illuminati.

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The wheels were in motion. The all-seeing eye was looking directly at me as I slid in and out of The Grand Master's messages.

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I requested a few more details before I gave away my bank details, but didn't get a reply. All of a sudden I became as pathetic and needy as I am when I'm in bed texting a girl I met in a club the night before.

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The Grand Master, who had now become a one-eyed father-like figure to me, then sent over a list of all of the things I could look forward to.

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Before I handed in my resignation at work and jetted off to marry Katy Perry and brainwash the masses, I had one question. A question that has kept me awake ever since I first watched Noel's House Party as a child: Is Noel Edmonds in the brotherhood?

I already had my suspicions after seeing this photo of him, quite obviously, doing some Illuminati shit...

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I just had to ask...

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The Grand Master was beginning to get tired of my excitable questions and before long he completely gave up on me. My mentor had abandoned me.

If you're reading this, Grand Master of the Illuminati, please, please tb.

NOTE: Please don't send your money to these absolute fuckwits.

Written by Liam Bond.

Liam Bond

My mum's on Tinder, so I have very little left to live for. @The0therbond