When I suggested this article this morning, everyone laughed at me. LAUGHED.
But you know what? It's the people who are prepared who will survive the impending zombie apocalypse. And who'll be laughing then?! ME.
Every time I move somewhere new, or start a new job, or generally go anywhere... I put together a zombie apocalypse plan. It's not that I think it's genuinely going to happen, it's just a habit now. Turns out, FUCKLOADS of people do the same thing.
I decided to ask a few people what their plans are, and see if we can put them all together so that we can share best practice and give each other the best chance of survival. However, if you get bitten - I'm taking you out. I'm sorry, but it's going to happen.
Ryan
"Me and my friends have already agreed to meet at his house. Get in his car and drive to a port where we will board a cruise ship and then sail it into the ocean because they have loads of food, plenty to do and what zombie is going to swim into the middle of the ocean?"
Chirps
"Sort out a 'Survival Kit'. This would consist of very tough leather clothing and a motorcycle helmet, with a motorcycle that has spikes that stick out on the side so that you can mow down zombies.
"Also, an array of swords and guns would be needed, so police stations would get raided, I'd take weapons and a few ounces of homegrown to de-stress. I would then take over a large supermarket and secure it as best as possible, most likely in Westfields which would have a good supply of all the kinds of equipment I would need."
Ken
"Buy lots of weapons, stock up on food and move to a remote location. Then dig myself a moat and live out my days."
Matthew
"Fill the outside of my house with running machines going in the opposite direction."
Hamish
"Zombie survival is a 5 point plan, really.
"1. Forget about your loved ones. If they're not with you, by the time you get to them, they're already dead - and you've risked everything trying to get to them.
"2. 'Let's sail away!' said everyone, ever. Avoid the ports, you'll be fucked.
"3. Avoid anyone with injury. "Tis but a scratch!" turns into 'rarrr braaains' in no time at all.
"4. Keep in touch with the world. Find a wind-up radio (most dads with sheds have one), this is now your trusted companion.
"5. And last but not least, don't be a fucking idiot. Use your sense, get rations of food from sensible places - keep dry, keep warm, keep safe. Good luck!"
Tom
"Zombie apocalypse: the old super market approach. Secure (from dead and living issues) a super market.
"While the whole thing should be secured. However, the offices at the back would be inhabited with the people living there with guards in twos securing the wider location (and bringing food back to the offices).
"Location: rural, but not too far to an urban location. More or less the plan."
Dale
"The more people that know about my plan, the more competition I'll have for control of territory.
"I've already said too much."
Sam
"Make my way to the gym with a bag full of tins of mulligatawny soup (I always have at least 10 in stock - can be eaten cold).
"Surround the swimming pool with treadmills, make a floating tower/fort of floats. Drink from the swimming pool when necessary.
"Note: stay in the deep end."
And finally, Alan. I was kind of asking for this one...
"My plan for the zombie apocalypse: Take car, go to mum's, kill Phil, grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint and wait for all this to blow over."
So, good luck, I hope these tips have helped you with your journey.
See you on the other side...
Words by Mel Ramsay
Featured image credit: PA
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