You Can Now Buy Prosecco Christmas Crackers And We're Not Making This Up
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There are good combinations and there are bad combinations. Dick & Dom, good. Chalk and cheese, bad. Bolognese and red wine, good. Ice cream (literally) on pizza, bad.
Now, Virgin Wines almost certainly knows what it's about when it comes to wine (why else would they make it?) but do they really understand the meaning of Christmas? And I don't mean the spiritual, self-reflective, biblical meaning of Christmas. I very obviously mean Christmas crackers.
Well, in anticipation of the festive season, Virgin Wines has announced the pre-sale of special Christmassy themed crackers containing a 20 centilitre bottle of Senti Prosecco.
This should be enough to send the great British public into an excitable meltdown, even though very large bottles of affordable Prosecco that can be shared with others (or not) are readily available in most supermarkets and small off-licences.
Crackers are, of course, the digestif par excellence of the Christmas season here in dear old Blighty, when we find our nearest - or weakest - relative, cross swords as it were, and pull as hard as possible in search of the goodies within.
The winner takes it all, and in general that winner takes a shitty paper crown, a small plastic toy of some sort (or nail scissors) and a joke so bad it makes you want to forget Christmas happened for another year. It is a tradition as old as Christmas, as the saying almost certainly does not go.
Oh yeah, they're also doing wine Christmas crackers... Credit: Virgin Wines.
I'm no physician (fuck, no), but I'm not sure putting a bottle of fizzy alcohol inside a vessel that is likely to be pulled violently one way or the other is going to end well. The word 'fizzy' springs to mind.
Still, like many of you, I'm extremely comfortable with keeping Yuletide boozy, so despite my vague misgivings, I'm fully on board. And for those of you who like the concept, but aren't too fussed on Prosecco, the company have also announced wine and gin varieties, with tonic included.
...and gin & tonic ones. Lovely stuff. Credit: PA
As an extra pre-festive treat, here are some ideas for genuinely bad Christmas combos:
- Giant minced pies with surprise Brussels sprouts inside them. Delish.
- Christmas pudding, but with vodka sauce instead of brandy.
- Christmas morning with a mimosa. This is actually a thing people do. To my mind, it's a really bad way to start Christmas Day and it always ends with Nan thumping Grandad during the traditional Christmas game of Scrabble after he manages, for the 10th year in a row, to spell out the words 'I want a divorce'.
Merry Piss-Mas, one and all.
Words: Ronan O'Shea