Having a healthy sex life forms a part of any strong relationship or marriage.
But it might not always feel like things are going as they should be or how you expect things to be, with one hypnotherapist telling LADbible that sexless relationships and marriages is the 'number one' issue people approach her with.
Kate Shelor is a pleasure coach and qualified hypnotherapist operating out of Las Vegas.
Advert
The American, who is also an OnlyFans model, recently lifted the lid in an interview with LADbible about her career - which included telling all when it comes to understanding what happens on board spicy cruises.
That has involved leading 'hypnotic sex sessions' on the open water with up to 80 people involved at any one time.
Now, Kate has issued advice on exactly how she approaches the issue of a relationship having too little sex in the eyes of at least one of those in it, offering three key pointers for people to think about even if they think they're satisfied in their relationship or marriage.
What is 'too little'?
"At this point this is the number one issue, sexless relationships and marriages," Kate told LADbible.
Advert
"Firstly, I cannot wave a magic wand if you have just one side complaining. But I often try to talk about a few things. One is that it is really important to understand how we define 'we hardly ever have sex'.
"Often two people see it every differently. One can be like 'urgh, we never have sex we only do it once a week' while the other can be 'we have sex all the time, every week'. Right?
"That is often something that happens. A lot of the time couples aren't comfortable talking about sex to begin with.
"People are quite private even within a relationship about what they like, what they want and what they feel. That's the first hurdle; trying to help people communicate about sex in general.
"It can be helpful going to a therapist but I specifically say 'go to a sex positive therapist'. You'd be shocked at how little training therapists have when it comes to sex and sexuality. It's changing but it is certainly not part of the traditional."
Advert
No to 'agreements' and take sex off the table
"Similar to porn addiction, it's really important to understand that the amount of sex a couple is having... if you try to tackle this by coming up with 'agreements', having sex twice a week for example, that often ends in resentment and failure.
"The issue is rarely the mechanic of just making sex happening. It's about much deeper challenges in the relationship or individual.
"The first thing I say is take sex off the table. Let's do it for a month. It's part of a process of communicating.
Advert
"I'm now going to use the woman and man situation because it's the most common but it can apply to anyone of any gender or identity.
"So the woman feels like she is exhausted and doing too much of the domestic labour. Maybe she feels the relationship isn't romantic so doesn't feel like being sexual.
"The man is like, 'Well, she says yes once out of every 10 times I ask to have sex, if I want to have more sex I need to ask three times as much'. This happens a lot and the more the man is asking for sex, the more the woman shuts down and doesn't want to.
"This cycle continues to the point often where the man shuts down completely and feels rejected, doesn't want to have sex any more with her, and gives up
Advert
"She feels used, all he wants is sex. This is where we have a huge rift.
"So helping people understand those dynamics... taking sex off the table helps people connect intimately. Being touched, kissing, conversation, romance. By taking sex off the table for a fixed amount of time you can build bridges to that physical connection once again.
"You must ask what is the division of the domestic labour in the home? Do you check in on each other as people? How do you feel about your body?
"Do you have much alone time? Do you need more help with the kids? All of those are major issues when it comes to sexuality."
A different approach to being intimate
"Most men experience desire spontaneously so they don't need any particular lead up.
"Most women experience responsive desire and this is one of the main reasons people end up out of step with each other sexually.
"Responsive desire is where you require some kind of stimulation, physical or mental, in order to be in the mood for sex. People are raised to see the movies where of course everything is spontaneous and no one tells us reality.
"They can feel like she's never in the mood but what isn't understood is how women experience desire in that way. Having the knowledge here is a super power.
"It's about shifting gears. Maybe scheduling sex. if you know you've got no kids at home for an hour, maybe you make the bed, give her time to have a bath. "Knowing it can take a shift in to an erotic headspace or physically sexual space in order to be in the mood is a game-changer for a lot of people.
"Whatever helps you put on that erotic hat, you can explore that together and help you get in the mood."
You can find Kate on Instagram under the @kateshelor username and on TikTok under @kateshelor3.
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Sex Education, US News, Education, Originals
Tom Earnshaw