Women have issued a warning against one of the most commonly asked questions in the bedroom.
Research by sex education site OMGYES revealed that the ‘lose-lose’ question, according to a survey of 20,000 women, is enough to kill an orgasm.
Asking your partner ‘are you close?’ or 'are you going to come soon?' could end up doing more harm than good.
Whilst men might be looking for that reassurance that things are going well, sex expert Annabelle Knight argues that it 'can tend to introduce pressure at the wrong moment'.
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"Instead of allowing someone to stay immersed in connection, it shifts their focus to performance and timing," she told Metro.
"For many women, arousal builds gradually and needs a sense of safety and space, so being asked if they’re 'close' can feel like they’re being hurried along rather than supported in their own rhythm."
Even though it's likely to be unintentional, Knight believes that it could be interpreted as being impatient.
One woman told the study that, in her experience, it can lead to a lot of pressure to finish off.
"You know how when you get a back massage from a friend, it feels nice but then after a little while you start thinking, 'are their hands tired?', 'should I say thanks now?' And during that time, you’re not really feeling the pleasure of the massage," she said.
"That’s what happens for me and orgasms. Until I had a lover that was so enthusiastic about pleasing me that I knew she wasn’t getting tired or wishing it was over."
Knight added that an orgasm should be a journey, not a destination.
"Some women might start overthinking, lose momentum or feel pressured enough that they disengage," she said.
"It may even lead to faking orgasm, simply to relieve that pressure."
Instead, Knight suggests to make your woman feel relaxed because 'when there’s pressure, the body can shift into a more tense or self-conscious state'.
Rather than asking if she is close, perhaps try 'does this feel good?' or 'do you want me to keep going like this?'.
Meanwhile, relationship columnist Tracey Cox points out that 'most therapists believe we make way too much fuss about orgasms'.
Cox said in her column for the Daily Mail that being concerned about finishing creates 'pointless anxiety', which is why 'so many couples worry unnecessarily'.
"Most people accept that desire is highest at the start of a relationship and falls the longer we're with someone. But forget all the other factors that influence it," Cox said.
"Obvious libido-dampeners are stress, health issues, pregnancy, parenting and money worries. Basically, anything that has a negative impact on our lives: most people need to be happy to be in the mood for sex – and happy with their partner."
Topics: Sex and Relationships
Anish Vij