Mum was so scared she was a paedophile she considered turning herself into police
In January 2024, Lauren Carrigher first started experiencing intrusive thoughts.
Having thought her TV was going to explode one night, just weeks after giving birth to her daughter, she was ended up being rushed to hospital thinking she was having a heart attack.
The 35-year-old was diagnosed with postnatal depression and prescribed anti-depressants.
However, Lauren says that a month later, she started to experience intrusive sexual and violent thoughts.
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The mum-of-three became so scared that she was a paedophile she believed she needed to go to jail. “I felt like I needed to call the police on myself,” Lauren explained.
The ‘peak’ of her extreme intrusive thoughts came in August 2024, when she thought about murdering a family member.
She went on to spend three months in a mental health unit before being diagnosed with postnatal obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD).
Lauren said she was ‘over the moon’ to get this diagnosis as it showed she wasn’t ‘broken or crazy’.
The mental health can include severe, intrusive thoughts and repetitive behaviours used to alleviate anxiety.
The Essex mum was prescribed anti-psychotic medication, but it wasn’t until she began therapy last April that she was able to ‘get her life back’. And now she is raising awareness of Paedophile OCD [P-OCD].
This is not paedophilia but a type of OCD in which someone has unwanted and distressing sexual thoughts or images about children.
“It is so intense and so awful, you don't know what to believe,” Lauren explained.
"Your brain is telling you you're this vile, nasty person, it's so debilitating. I honestly believed for about six months that I was a paedophile and that I needed to go to jail.”
Simple things like doing the school run was ‘extremely hard’ for her and she found herself having a ‘massive panic and anxiety attack’ as the kids came out of the school.
"It was awful, it's like a living hell every day. You're scared of yourself and your own thoughts,” Lauren added.
She says the thoughts weren’t just limited to children but also adults.
“I was sitting with all my family [one day] and I had thoughts that my [family member] and their partner had sex and I was picturing it. I was like 'why am I thinking that?',” she recalled.
"The whole time I'm sitting there having a normal conversation with them and in the back of my head I'm thinking [...] about them. It's absolutely horrendous.
"As the months went on I was scared to be on my own and my mum had to live with me because I was scared I was going to act on a thought.”
Lauren explained she had to ‘hide all the knives’ in her home and lock the windows as she had intrusive thoughts about jumping out.
“There was no point in any of my journey where I got pleasure out of it or wanted to do anything,” she clarified.
After losing 5st 7lbs due to severe anxiety about the intrusive thoughts and planning to kill a family member, Lauren went to hospital.
She received her OCD diagnosis and spent three months in the mental health unit.
“It was like a massive sigh of relief,” the mum said.
"I couldn't believe it after all those months of being at home in a terrible state and having all those intrusive thoughts.
"It was a relief to have something and know I wasn't broken and I wasn't crazy but I have OCD."
Thanks to exposure therapy, Lauren says she rarely experiences intrusive thoughts and says the anxiety and panic attacks have ‘completely stopped’.
Now, she lives her ‘best life’ and is trying to spread awareness so other sufferers know they are ‘not some horrible, vile person’.
"I was really ashamed and I'd rarely talk about any of my intrusive thoughts, I was disgusted with my own thoughts,” she added.
"It was only once I started doing exposure work that I realised they are just thoughts, it's not me as a person.”
If you're experiencing distressing thoughts and feelings, the Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) is there to support you. They're open from 5pm–midnight, 365 days a year. Their national number is 0800 58 58 58 and they also have a webchat service if you're not comfortable talking on the phone.
Topics: Mental Health
Jess Battison