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The past two days have been what can only be described as piggin' hot.
Unfortunately, for most of us, we were forced to sit in work, sweating like a dancer's fanny and trying to find solitude in several ice lollies.
When in heat like this, it's important to know your shit. You can't seek an element of coolness in a Mini Milk, because most of it will end up in your lap due to its pathetic melting time.
So what's your best bet? Well, your actual best bet is to quit being a wimp complaining about the heat that you've been begging for all winter.
In the words of Peter Kay, 'have a Solero and shut the fuck up, will you'.
I will admit that I began the day by complaining that it was too hot. But then I realised I'm already half way to burning in hell, so hot temperatures are near enough a constant in my life.
Anyway, putting all that aside, here at LADBible we set out to discover which ice lolly would be best option for withstanding this blistering heat* and keeping us chilled.
Now, up there with the best of them is a Solero. There's something about it that is tough to beat on days like today. However, upon review, it melted quicker than milk chocolate buttons stuck in the arse crack of an overweight Englishman on holiday in Portugal.
Not far behind the exotic Solero was the Feast. Now, a Feast is a different kettle of fish. Once through the outer chocolate and the ice cream, you're greeted by the delight of the chocolate on the inside. In my opinion, that is up there with the chocolate at the bottom of a Cornetto.
Unfortunately, the Feast didn't fare too well in the July heat. It left what looked like that Gary Lineker shit which he smothered all over the Stadio Sant'Elia turf against Ireland at the 1990 World Cup. It did, however, leave enough of its body to remain in the race.
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That left a Twister and a Magnum remaining. Two much loved summer treats, two giants of the ice cream world, two very, very different ice lollies.
Ultimately, the Twister didn't stand a chance. It put up a good fight, but, in the end, it was doomed.
So, what was left was the two chocolate-based ice creams? It was the Feast vs the Magnum. Much like a Last Man Standing match between The Undertaker and Kane, it was a mammoth match-up, but ultimately there was only going to be one winner.
The thicker outer chocolate shell of the ever-reliable Magnum helped massively in the competition and, really, the flimsy Feast was never going to win.
What should really be taken away from this is that if you're after a chocolate covered ice cream, obviously go for the Magnum. If you're after a naked ice lolly, bound by only flavoured ice, ice cream, and hope, then the Twister is obviously your guy.
However, I pose you this question - where the fuck is a Fab and a Nobbly Bobbly?
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Words by Mark McGowan
*It's not blistering, man up
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