Getting a job at Morrison's was decisively simple, I just had to go to school with someone who already worked there. During the interview, I kept repeating that 'the customer is always the most important person,' and I was offered the job the same day.
Getting a job at MI5 is not that simple. For a start, if you know someone who works at MI5, they'll never tell you. You'll probably think they work at Morrison's.
For those who are unsure, MI5 is our country's counter intelligence and security agency. It supplies the British government with British intelligence, whereas MI6 supplies the government with foreign intelligence. This is why James Bond, an MI6 agent, is always killing people and having sex in faraway lands.
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If you don't want to work in Morrison's, and the idea of spying abroad doesn't suit you, then here's a run-down of the qualities you need to get through the application process at MI5:
YOU MUST BE A BRITISH CITIZEN
At least one your parents should be British or have substantial ties to Britain. Substantial ties can count as your parent being a citizen of a British overseas territory, a Commonwealth citizen, British national or citizen overseas. They would also need to have clear connections with the UK by way of family history.
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Put simply, you need a British passport. Your wardrobe full of Fred Perry polos and vibrant 90s England strips probably won't assure your place on the MI5 recruitment program, but it may help. Same goes for your dad's vinyl collection of old Fleetwood Mac records.
YOU NEED TO ACCOUNT FOR THE LAST 10 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE
When it comes to MI5, there's none of that 'only put the jobs relevant to the role you're applying for on your CV' nonsense. If you changed rich people's bed sheets at a pretentious 5-star hotel for 10 months (I did), cleaned up sick at Wetherspoons, or punched license plates in prison, then you better stick it on your resume.
Because if you skip over any gaps, they'll know. If you've actually spent the past decade bunning zoots in public parks and maxing-out Wonga loans, then it's probably best to leave this information out. Or better yet, don't apply at all.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A GRADUATE
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Having a university degree and £10,000+ of debt is not a necessity for MI5. While they do attract many graduates for the intelligence officer role, most of whom have a 2:1 or above, higher education is not a prerequisite.
In many ways, not eating ramen noodles in your pants because your degree hasn't got you anywhere in life can almost be seen as a plus when applying to MI5. Well, maybe not that wastemannish. But they do want life experience, work experience, cultural understanding, and, perhaps most importantly, language skills.
In fact, if you've spent the past decade bunning zoots, churning through Wonga loans, and eating ramen - but you're fluent in more than two languages - you've probably got a reasonable shot at an MI5 role. Maybe.
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YOU WON'T MAKE MUCH MONEY (AT THE START)
As of 2013, the starting salary for an intelligence officer was £24,750. While that's not too bad outside of the capital, it's not great in London. That's roughly the same starting salary as a teacher.
But then again, a role at MI5 would undoubtedly be a lot of work, so you wouldn't even have time to blow your wages on £5.50 Peronis, pop-up cocktails bars, supper clubs, and all those other awful London things.
YOU NEED TO STAY AWAY FROM TWITTER
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If you do apply, a bit of discretion is obviously advised. For instance, don't update your status with 'applying to MI5' or tweet 'am a spy now lol.'
Also, if you're a man who likes to tell the world about everything that's going on in your insignificant life once you've had four pints, I'd stay off the sauce.
Spies can't have loose lips.
If you want to have a go at applying, head to the MI5 website.
Words by Matthew Cooper
Featured image: PA
Featured Image Credit:Topics: James Bond