Expert issues warning over stonewalling in relationships and how to stop doing it
Stonewalling is the latest dating and relationship buzzword you need to be aware of, as it can wreak havoc on your life if you're not careful.
Often when you're with someone for a number of years, you get so comfortable with one another, for good and for bad.
But this can make it easy to miss potential red flags and toxic behaviours that if gone unchecked, can spell out disaster for your love life.
Stonewalling is one of the things you need to watch out for. But what is it?
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What is stonewalling and what are the signs?
Stonewalling is refusing to communicate with your partner during a situation, without even attempting to make conversation.
It can also be known as giving the 'silent treatment' or just generally avoiding chatting about your feelings with your partner.
What are the types of stonewalling?
Intentionally shutting down during an argument - or giving the silent treatment - are just a couple of examples of what that might look like.
Generally there are two types of stonewalling, unintentional and intentional, which are quite self-explanatory.
Other examples include:
- discomfort discussing feelings
- refusing to respond to questions
- walking away instead of confronting
- dismissing your partner's concerns
What causes stonewalling?
It obviously depends from person to person.
If you decide to treat someone poorly though, it's often deep-rooted in trauma, fear, anxiety and even frustration.
Those who avoid conflict, may do so because of:
- a fear of what reaction they might get
- an inability to handle the situation
- an underlying hopelessness
- an attempt to not make things worse that they actually are
Danielle Kepler, a therapist in Chicago, Illinois, told the Huffington Post: “My clients often say they have to shut down in an argument because they risk being flooded and feeling overwhelmed.
"It’s a self-protection mechanism. Knowing this, the other partner needs to be conscious of not overwhelming the stonewaller with too much information.
"I tell couples to stick to one topic at a time. When the stonewaller hears, ‘and another thing...’ it’s usually too much for them to take in. The only way out is retreat.
"Some people stonewall but then think about the issue later and might want to come back to talk more.
"That can’t happen if the partner keeps pushing and won’t let it rest.
"Accept the fact that people who stonewall may need to work through things in smaller bites and avoid discussing every problem in the relationship all at once."
What impact can stonewalling have on your relationship?
Experts suggest that stonewalling is one of the major red flags that a marriage won't last.
Plus, it can leader the victim questioning their self worth and end up escalating situations unnecessarily, which can lead to further confrontation and the build-up of frustrations in your relationship.
How do you overcome stonewalling?
"Accept the fact that people who stonewall may need to work through things in smaller bites and avoid discussing every problem in the relationship all at once," Vikki Stark, a psychotherapist and the director of the Sedona Counselling Center of Montreal, suggested.
"Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you fell in love with them because they were witty and funny or because they were giving or helpful. Let them use their better qualities to turn things around. Tell them things you’d like to see changed. Sure, you might risk nagging but at least you’re giving your partner (and your relationship) a chance,” Aaron Anderson, a marriage and family therapist in Denver, Colorado, added.
If all of this fails, it's highly recommended that you seek couples' counselling to work through the issues at play.
Topics: Sex and Relationships
Anish Vij