Therapist reveals why people still can't get over their ex-partner years later

A therapist has revealed some of the reasons why people never seem to be able to get over their ex.

Whether it's a first love, a brief fling or even a long-lasting marriage, people often continue thinking about their former partners long after the relationship is over.

Things as innocent as smells, TV shows or places might bring back fond memories of an ex, although mentioning them to a current partner probably features on a long list of things you should avoid saying if you can.

They say that comparison is the thief of joy, and you should steer clear of it if you're thinking about your old life with a partner, although some behaviours are probably more socially acceptable than others.

Joanne Strong, a BACP-accredited counsellor and psychotherapist, has explained why thinking about a past relationship shouldn't be shameful, but then she's probably not thinking about Mark Corrigan's million-text month when she says this.

She said: “Whether we have unresolved questions about how or why things ended, or we’re simply feeling nostalgic for what could have been, thinking about a past relationship, even if you’re in a new one, shouldn’t be shameful or embarrassing. In some ways, I would say it’s the opposite.

"Relationships are impactful and important, so when they end, it naturally leaves us with emotions we need to work through. Often, when an ex comes to mind or feelings towards someone in your past emerge, it’s because that connection hasn’t fully been broken.

"But it should be seen as an opportunity for growth: healthy reflection can help us to evolve and to not repeat patterns.”

Stalking your ex on social media, or in real life, is also a bad idea (Getty Stock)

She also explained why the mind naturally drifts towards your ex in the immediate weeks and months after the break-up.

She said: “When a relationship ends, we have a tendency to look outward and ask what happened to the other person. What are they thinking? What are they up to? And how do they feel?

"Instead, we put the attention on ourselves, and rather than obsessing over someone else, it’s much better to ask: what feelings am I being left with? What patterns are showing up in my relationships, and what needs do I have that should be met?"

Joanne suggests that cultural changes mean that we're forced to move on as soon as possible, especially with AI now advising people to break-up with their partners, but a period of reflection is also important for personal growth.

“We live in a culture that expects us to be very sequential – for things to end and then we force ourselves to get over them pretty quickly – but when you’ve connected with someone and shared important memories with them, you don’t have to empty yourself of their influence immediately.

"Whether the emotions are positive or involve pain and loss, it’s all part of taking our past with us and building on it for a happier future,” she explains.

It's important not to obsess over an ex and their new relationship (Getty Stock)

Although it might seem wrong to feel for a former flame while with a new partner, Joanne also suggests that this shouldn't be considered some sort of taboo.

She explained: "Clients will often come to me with a lot of shame because they feel like it’s a crime to be in a relationship with one person but thinking about another. However, it doesn’t always indicate that there’s something wrong. My curiosity instead would be towards what it was they experienced in that previous relationship or person that might be missing in this current one.

"Sometimes thinking about someone from the past might simply be a sign that we miss the lifestyle or the depth or the sex, not the individual themselves. It doesn’t mean we’re meant to be with the person, just that our psyche has just linked that quality with that person, and that’s what we’re mourning the loss of.

"We have a tendency to jump to large conclusions about what every thought in our head might mean, but not everything has to be so literal.”

However, you must also be cautious not to cross a line, with many struggling with something known as Rebecca Syndrome, which is an unhealthy obsession with your partner's ex or exes.

And Joanne also urges people to be careful if thinking about an ex is affecting their mental or physical health.

She said: "If the act of thinking about your ex is making you unhappy, or if it’s having a knock-on effect on things like your sleep and the way you relate to other people, that’s probably a sign that you need to work through your feelings on a deeper level.

"It shouldn’t be something that’s controlling your life or impacting your wellbeing. However, it’s important to give yourself enough time and space to reflect.

"Ending a relationship is a form of grief, and when it comes to bereavement therapy, you wouldn’t start working with someone until around six months after the loss because they need time to process and come to terms with what has happened.”