How to treat ‘Rebecca Syndrome’ as condition impacts more than half the population
Everyone can get jealous in relationships, but for some, even the thought of their other half's ex-partner is enough to ruin their day.
This is what happens to people with 'Rebecca syndrome', also known as retroactive jealousy. The issue primarily impacts people when they see or imagine or hear of someone they fancy, or even love, in the arms of someone else.
It's not exactly a moment anyone likes, and makes many of us uncomfortable (I'm sure I'm not the only one who would rather not know of a partner's amazing romantic trip to Paris with their ex).
But for millions, Rebecca Syndrome can be extremely detrimental to a relationship, creating unnecessary resentment.
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Here's everything you need to know about coping and dealing with these negative feelings.
Rebecca Syndrome explained
You've probably not heard of Rebecca Syndrome. But you might have heard the story about where it got its name from.
The syndrome is named after the 1938 novel Rebecca, written by Daphne du Maurier, which follows a young lady who marries a wealthy man. She can't cope after moving in to his home, as the household and local community are still devoted to his first wife, who has died.
A work of fiction, sure. But a situation anyone would struggle with in that moment.
This is where the syndrome got its name, all to do with a grim jealousy and hatred towards the former partners of your current partner.
It becomes somewhat pathological and illogical when there's no reasoning to trigger such a reaction. After all, it'd be more well-founded if you had come across suss messages between your partner and their ex.
A 2017 study from Superdrug revealed around 66.7 percent of participants in relationships admitted to looking up a partner's ex, a figure which drops to 65.8 percent in married couples.
Chartered psychologist Louise Goddard-Crawley told Newsweek that Rebecca Syndrome 'is rooted in retrospective jealousy, where individuals become obsessively preoccupied with their partner's past relationships, even if there is no rational basis for their jealousy'.
Why do people get Rebecca Syndrome?
Psychotherapist Toby Ingham has written about the condition, and believes it can be traced back to our upbringing and issues within our families.
"What surprises me is how little linking up we do between what’s happened to us and how we feel about ourselves," he explained during an interview with Vice.
"There are things they’ve been through, things they already knew, but they just haven’t linked that up with what it’s like to be an adult dating in an adult world," he continued.
"The label can give you a place to start, but after that, I think looking at it with greater depth is helpful."
Social media can make things worse, he adds, as it's now easier than ever to come across images of your partner with an ex simply by scrolling down on their Instagram feed.
Rebecca Syndrome treatment
Coming to terms with Rebecca Syndrome can be really tough and 'very painful', Ingham says.
But he stresses that 'if you don't get into it, most likely, your relationships are always going to fall apart because you'll be plagued by some level of kind of paranoia that you don't matter and that whoever came before you was a more satisfying and important partner'.
One of the best ways to try and fix the issue in your own mind is to not ask about your partner's former lovers. Don't ask, don't know.
We're all adults, and we know that your partner is likely to have been with people before you. But being mature about this is the best way to not let the issue creep in to your mind, Ingham says.
He stresses that you need to 'monitor yourself'. This includes things like not going through your partner's phone, which for many is an absolute no-go area and a complete violation of trust. Stay off social media if you find your mind wandering, given the likelihood of coming across their exes or even searching for them.
If you're really struggling, experts say seeking out cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) could work. It's a kind of therapy that identities negative thoughts and helps you move away from them, linking it to behavioural triggers in your wider life.
Some may find their struggles rooted in anxiety. If so, chat to a doctor about potential medicinal remedies.
Topics: Health, Mental Health, Sex and Relationships, Social Media, Weird, Dating trends
Tom Earnshaw