“Oh, you can do better than them mate,” and “They’re absolutely punching,” can be pretty typical things to hear from your friend, or even parent, about your latest love interest.
Maybe they’ve wronged you and the situation’s gotten toxic or maybe your mates simply think you deserve better. Or perhaps your relationship’s looking like it's failed and everyone’s trying to make you feel better.
But what if they’re right, what if you really have settled for your partner?
Advert
It’s pretty common for people to get together just because it’s easy or comfortable – and we all know how badly that can end.
So, relationship psychologists and experts have revealed the signs to know if you're settling in a relationship or if you actually are happy.
Date wisely
Relationships writer Daisy Jones writes for British GQ that you need to know what you want before you even get into the relationship.
For example, if you’re on the third date and have that niggling gut feeling that you don’t actually fancy them (or the sex is pretty bad), then don’t go on more dates.
Instead of dragging out more dates, ‘nip it in the bud’.
Don’t mix up the calm with being bored
Maybe you and your partner are just so comfortable you can spend hours slobbing on the couch and chilling – don’t mistake that for a lack of spark.
Dating and intimacy coach for men, David Chambers, says: “If you haven’t experienced healthy love before, it can feel boring and unexciting. This can be because your nervous system is used to chaos and inconsistency.
"An important part of creating healthy and compatible relationships is training ourselves to be with healthy love, low—to medium-intensity love.”
He encourages you to know the difference between your relationship worries and ‘your intuition’.
Notice if there’s a pattern
If you’re constantly thinking you ‘could do better’, then maybe you’ve fell into some kind of pattern regardless of how good your partner is.
Perhaps every time you get a few months in, you decide there’s someone out there who is better for you.
And this could be the signs of a maximiser according to Dr Limor Gottlieb, a relationship psychologist.
“These personalities are picky, and constantly find the flaws in their partner,” she says. “They demand only the best, unwilling to settle for anything less. The maximiser mentality can lead to temporary happiness based on the possibility of something slightly better on the horizon.”
And if this sounds familiar, you should try and push past the doubts and appreciate what you have as it’s ‘essential to identify the aspects that make it worth holding onto’.
Ok, maybe you really are settling
Perhaps those doubts you have and your mates are right, so there’s some key signs to know about.
Chambers says they include a ‘lack of enthusiasm for spending time and being with your partner’. I mean, if you’re dreading having to go out for dinner with them, then things probably aren’t so good.
Another sign is ‘lack of future vision alignment’ – if you don’t want the same things in life, it might be worth a rethink.
Chambers also says: “Your core values don’t match up, meaning you overlook significant mismatches in values or life goals because you want the relationship to work or fear being alone.”
Topics: Lifestyle, Sex and Relationships
Jess Battison