OK so today I found out there's a goat in the British Army and absolutely had to share it with you. And the best thing about writing this up is that I don't actually have to attempt to make any jokes because everything about this story is funny.
I'm not even being clever or trying to write for The Onion or anything; this is actual fact.
A goat called William Windsor served as a lance corporal in the 1st Battalion, the Royal Welsh, between 2001 and 2009, except for a 3-month period in 2006 when he was demoted to fusilier.
Apparently William, known to his mates as Big Bad Willy, was demoted after some inappropriate behaviour during the Queen's Official Birthday while deployed on active duty in Cyprus.
During a parade, William was ordered to keep in line but refused to obey before failing to keep in step and attempting to headbutt a drummer.
He was later charged with unacceptable behaviour, lack of decorum and disobeying a direct order because apparently goats can do these things.
Thankfully for 'Billy', as he's actually affectionately known, he was reinstated three months later with Captain Simon Clarke saying:
"Billy performed exceptionally well, he has had all summer to reflect on his behaviour at the Queen's birthday and clearly earned the rank he deserves."
Hilariously and unbelievably, Billy isn't the first goat to have got in trouble in the British Army. One royal goat was 'prostituted' ater being offered for stud services by the regiment's goat major. He was court-martialled under the charge of 'disrespect to an officer' and demoted.
But back to Billy. In May 2009, he was retired after eight years of service. He was taken to Whipsnare Zoo in Bedfordshire where zookeepers say he's living the easy life on the Children's Farm.
Billy did however need replacing and so William Windsor II was drafted in at five months old and assigned army number 25142301.
At this point I just want to say I have taken absolutely no drugs while writing this, it is all true. So if there's anyone out there who can explain to me why the British Army needs a ranked goat, please do let me know.
Words by George Pavlou