Relationship expert of 45 years says all cheats have one habit in common
Renowned psychotherapist Esther Perel has explained why all cheats have something known as 'deadness' in common.
The experienced Belgian psychotherapist is considered one of the world's most insightful experts on modern relationships, intimacy and sex.
Perel knows how to keep the fire burning in long-term relationships, but can also spot when someone has multiple matches in their back pocket.
Infidelity, as awful as it can be, is actually pretty common in Britain, with one in five adults admitting to cheating on their partner at some point.
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But one thing all of these cheaters have in common is apparently 'deadness', Perel says.
The psychotherapist and author of Mating in Captivity and A State of Affairs said that, in her research, the horrible-sounding term keeps coming up.
She told The Telegraph in 2025 that an affair is often a reaction to the 'deadness' of a relationship.
She said: "Most people today in the West are going to have two or three relationships or marriages in their adult life. Some of us will do it with the same person.
"The story of an affair is that your first marriage is over. But you can create a second one."
What is deadness?
Fellow dating expert Jess Matthews, who has looked into Perel's research, says that 'while the word may sound dramatic, it's actually the opposite'.
"It quietly describes a state that creeps into many long-term relationships: a feeling of emotional numbness, disconnection, and personal erosion," she wrote for Mama Mia.
"As to which comes first, that's a chicken and egg type complexity."
Matthews explained: "Deadness is something that we can experience as an individual (as part of a couple) or feel applies to the dynamic of the connection.
"It's the internal monotony that may come from routine, emotional repression, lack of novelty, or the fading of desire.
"Whilst you still love your partner deeply, you'll be equally plagued by feelings that something is missing."
What deadness looks like
Matthews says that someone who has deadness is likely to experience the following four symptoms:
• Feeling more like friends
• Bored of their personal life
• Tired by always being the 'parent' or 'peacemaker'
• A lack of spontaneity and intimacy
How deadness leads to cheating
The founder of 'The Boy Detox Course' said that Perel's research reveals that cheaters generally don't cheat with the sole intention of hurting their partner.
Rather than the feeling of deadness, people who cheat 'want to feel alive again'.
"From what I have seen infidelity most often comes down to selfishness, and by that I mean cheating is a by-product of a feeling of lack or insecurity within oneself," Matthews adds.
"Cheating is an escapism; it can provide a type of 'resurrection of the self', and also a deflection from the real issues at hand."
So, what can you do about 'deadness' in a relationship before someone cheats?
Perel says the antidote to deadness is curiosity, exploration and discovery.
She said: "It’s about opening yourself up to the possibility that you don’t know your partner as well as you think."
She recommends that instead of constantly asking your partner everyday questions about childcare and groceries, you 'have a conversation about something interesting' instead.
She explained: "Play is when taking risks is fun. It could be telling interesting stories, creating new rituals, trying new food. It’s about giving your partner the chance to see you and themselves in a new context."
Topics: Sex and Relationships, Dating trends
Anish Vij