Sex therapist explains the five 'worst things' to say to your partner in the bedroom
When it comes to getting busy in the bedroom some people are better at dirty talk than others.
While a significant percentage of the population seems to be embracing uniqueness in an increasingly sex positive world, one thing a lot of folks haven't mastered is the ability to communicate effectively with our partner.
Although there's a growing trend of people getting involved in things like swinging and orgies, others struggle enough with just one person to talk to in the bedroom, with phones and porn probably the main cause of that issue.
But if you're unsure on things to say, sometimes it's better to just stay mainly quiet, as there are some things which are just guaranteed to make the situation worse.
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A group of sex therapists spoke to VICE about the five worst things you could say in the bedroom and while they steer clear of humorous Oedipus complex comments about the experience reminding them of their mother or father, or just the really weird s**t that you hear some people come out with, there are some pretty bad ones.
"Are you done yet?"
Much like people asking are we there yet, this isn't going to make things go any faster. In fact, it's likely to be so distracting and such a mood-killer that it's only going to prolong the process.
If you're really not feeling it with someone, it's probably best to just stop completely, because this one is guaranteed to make things worse.
“Asking if your partner is almost done can not only make them feel rushed and pressured, but also unappreciated or self-conscious,” said Annabelle Knight, sex and relationship expert at Lovehoney. “Putting your partner under pressure can make it difficult for them to stay relaxed and fully enjoy the experience, and can even delay their ‘finish’ further.”
“Why are you breathing so heavily?”
Naturally, sex can be pretty strenuous if you're giving it your all so unless you're an elite athlete, you're probably going to be breathing a little heavily as things approach the climax.
However, as Knight suggests, 'drawing attention to it can create unnecessary tension and disrupt the flow', so it's probably best to just go with the flow and assume that the heavy breathing is a sign of them enjoying themselves or at least giving it their all.
A+ for effort.
A Look of Disgust
Sometimes, not even saying anything can create a conflict out of nothing, and looking at your partner with disgust is probably going to be soul-destroying on their part.
“When you’re in the heat of the moment, being on the receiving end of a look of disgust can even damage the relationship. It can instantly make someone feel rejected or undesirable, leading to emotional distress, a lack of trust, and a breakdown in communication,” Knight said.
If something isn't going well or feeling good, then maybe just switch to another position or style which does a little more for you, maybe just communicate that in a kind way rather than knocking their confidence forever.
“Is this your first time?”
Now, it's almost common consensus that the first-time isn't going to go brilliantly, and that's nothing to be ashamed of. So if someone says this to you and it is your first time, maybe just admit it and let them guide you into becoming better in bed.
But if you're experienced in the bedroom, this one is likely to sting, as it certainly implies that the other person is not impressed with the skills you're showing.
“For someone who is less experienced, putting the spotlight on this can make them feel incredibly uncomfortable, and even infantilise them,” Knight said.
“Is this amount of sweat normal?”
Finally, if making them feel inexperienced and self-conscious wasn't enough, it seems as if you can deliver one final blow by pointing out the amount they are sweating.
If the sex is getting sweaty you'd assume that it's going well and lasting a while, unless you're crazy enough to do it during the recent heatwaves caused by Super El Nino, but apparently not everyone's keen on the natural body reaction.
“Sweating is not something a person can help during physical exertion,” Knight said. “It’s completely natural, and arguably means they are putting in a good amount of effort.”
So, next time one of these things pops into your head during the act, maybe just keep it to yourselves and feedback in a nicer way later.
James Moorhouse