Ugh, nothing gets the dread sinking into your chest like a ‘we need to talk’ text, no matter who it’s from.
But when it comes from someone you’re seeing, it’s even worse. Actually, do you know what feels even worse than that? When it’s from someone who you were seeing.
And Hunter Smith’s mind went to the worst when his former friend with benefits messaged out of the blue to say he ‘needed to talk’.
“Did he need money? Somewhere to stay? Was he riddled with disease?” The Aussie wrote on Mamamia. “Unfortunately, what he'd discovered was much worse.”
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Seriously worse, as when he managed to sum the courage for this ‘talk’, he had to hear the shocking truth that the pair are actually related.
The comedian explained his ex-fling had fallen down the rabbit hole of Ancestry.com, which he describes as ‘helping people uncover relatives, famous family and skeletons in the closet’.
Smith said it had therefore been discovered that he and the former flame were in fact cousins.
“Distant cousins, I promise, but cousins nonetheless,” he wrote. “It turns out our grandfathers were related but estranged and there's no way we could have known. There's no category for that on Tinder.”
The comic went on to express his dislike of the genealogy website as he reckons it brings up family secrets ‘that deserve to be kept’ or ‘at least exposed only with everyone’s permission.
And it’s this total disregard of the site that Smith reckons is why he is ‘so bothered by my cousin-cum-lover situation’.
“I have long dreamed of appearing on the SBS series Who Do You Think You Are? but not now. No chance,” Smith joked.
“Nobody is tuning in to see how my ancestors made the brave journey from Parramatta to Pakenham only for me to accidentally kiss a cousin. Not on SBS anyway, maybe on Channel 7. Kissing Cousins sounds exactly like something Sonia Kruger would win a Logie for on Seven.”
Instead, he’s dreaming of ‘returning to the days of respectful secrecy’ to keep a bit of ‘mystery’ rather than having to learn shocking things like he slept with his distant cousin.
“But for those who insist on unlocking the secrets of the past, be careful what you wish for,” the Aussie comedian concluded. “You never know what skeletons you might find in your cousin's closet.”
Of course, it's not always bad or embarrassing things you discover on these kind of sites, as people discover and reconnect with family members - it just wasn't quite the connection Smith would've hoped for.
Topics: Australia, Sex and Relationships
Jess Battison