Red flag phrases which could mean you're arguing with a narcissist

Therapists have shared a number of ‘red flag’ phrases which could mean you’re arguing with a narcissist.

Let’s be real, no one wants to be regularly arguing in their relationship anyway. And surely no one wants to be in a toxic situation with a narcissist.

So before we even dive into those red flags, let’s clarify what actually makes someone a narcissist.

Narcissistic personality disorder is defined as a mental health condition by The Mayo Clinic where people ‘have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance’.

“They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others,” it adds.

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And with narcissistic traits, can come unhealthy relationship dynamics and you might not even realise.

Social worker Monica Cwynar, psychotherapist Manahil Riaz and somatic trauma psychologist Justine Grosso told Huffpost several phrases that narcissists tend to use in times conflict.

“I can’t believe you’re attacking me, I always get blamed.”

Sometimes it just doesn’t matter how wrong someone is, they’ll always just see themselves as a victim.

And Cwynar said for narcissists this is due to ‘their deep-seated sense of entitlement, fragile self-esteem and lack of empathy for others’.

“They may use their perceived victimhood as a tool to elicit support or to shift focus away from their own problematic behaviour,” she said and as a result, they’ll try and put the blame elsewhere.

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“You should have known I was upset.”

Grosso said those who are narcissistic may believe others should read their mind and expect you to anticipate their emotions without communication.

“A phrase like this may lead the other person to feel hypervigilant, like they’re walking on eggshells,” she added.

“I’m not angry, you’re angry.”

Now here’s a classic one, it’s a common trait for a narcissist to say condescending things like this during an argument.

Projection is ‘an unconscious defence mechanism’ as those with pathological narcissism ‘deny their vulnerable feelings because of toxic shame and emotion phobia’, according to Grosso.

“You’re overreacting.”

Grosso said a narcissist 'may repeatedly dismiss, deflect, or invalidate your concerns or hurt feelings in order to avoid taking accountability for their impact on you'.

And Cwynar added that phrases like this can be used to control the narrative.

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“If you loved me, you would do this.”

During an argument, Cwynar said narcissists often lean into manipulation.

Phrases like this make it hard to stand up to them and enable them to gain control of the situation.

And long-winded expressions that don’t really have a point

“There’s this concept called ‘word salad’ where they just might say things that don’t make sense,” said Riaz.

And as they keep going on with random sentences, you end up forgetting why you’re even fighting.

When in this difficult situation, the therapists recommend taking care of yourself.

“You need to set boundaries so that you can maintain a healthy relationship with the person,” Cwynar said.

Topics: Mental Health, Sex and Relationships

Jess Battison

Jess is an Entertainment Journalist with a love of all things pop culture. Her main interests include keeping up with the Twitter girlies, waiting for a new series of The Traitors and losing her voice at a Beyoncé concert. She graduated with a first in Journalism from City, University of London in 2021 and has previously worked at MyLondon.

@jessbattison_